Well, it's about 2 AM here in Yuma and I'm wide awake in my bed. It might be because this massive tattoo I just got on my side isn't letting me get comfortable, or it's because I haven't been able to shut out that still small Voice that has been calling to me tonight. Yes, I said shut out. . . Because, yes, although the last time you heard from me I was pressing forward in my life, tonight I find myself hanging my head in the presence of Him.
It's so insane to me how I treat my relationship with Him like I would a relationship with just anyone. I get to that place where I feel like I've been super open, super honest, and I'm feeling just extremely vulnerable. . . (I guess normal, healthy people would be excited to get there, so you can finally say your "I love yous" and whatnot...) But no, not me so much. I tend to do the "look before you leap" thing at this juncture and it's what gets me in trouble.
Faith is believing in the unseen. That is absolutely so hard for me. I am so cynical of it all, I am looking all around with my eyes wide open, asking so many questions. "God, how are you going to take care of me?" "Where are You taking me in this life?" "Why am I in Arizona?" "Why am I lonely?" "Why do I have a job I don't like?" "What are you teaching me?" "Is everything going to turn out okay?" "How much do you love me?" "How bad can I mess up and not ruin this?" "Are you going to give me answers?" "Hello God??????"
So, naturally when He doesn't do the quick text back, or whatever my naive mind is looking for I start to really worry. I need to take some control back!! What am I thinking! I need a plan! What am I going to do tomorrow?! And there you go, I take back the control I gave Him, I slip back into the driver's seat and I immediately take a wrong turn.
I feel like someone who just decided to take their relationship to the next level and then immediately got cold feet. That ex from 9th grade, he might be looking good these days. . . I mean, what if this person, my soul mate just isn't it?! What if I missed something back then?! Of course I need to put this on hold and double check!? Okay, well that sucked, I must have broken up with him for a reason. . . But oh wait, I'm just not quite ready to settle in here. . . Let me just go see if this person has anything to offer me?! By the time you go and make sure you all of your other options weren't better you end up losing that special thing you had, all because you were too afraid to just reach out and take it.
What am I afraid of?!
He is offering my unconditional, unending and everlasting love. He is offering me His constant presence, His strength and His power in my life. He is offering me a place in a family where my inheritance is rich, and my destiny is 100% secure. He is offering me life, absolutely abundant life. But even though the Creator of this world is down on one knee, looking up at me, offering me it all. . . I'm stalling for time to think. . . Do I say YES? Do I go all in on this offer? It's guaranteed by the Blood of the Lamb, but maybe if I give in I'll miss something. . .
I reread what I just wrote and I'm shaking my head at myself. I'm thinking of Him standing there at the door, knocking and knocking and knocking. I'm embarrassed that I continue to think keeping God waiting is a good look. . .
Numbers 23:19 is something that is on my heart tonight - -
"God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?"
He promised me that He has a future for me, that He will finish the good work He has begun, that He will work all things together for good, that He will bless me as I follow in His way. . . All of these things and countless others, and as pastor Stephen said this morning at Champion that really it's about our choice. God has been ready and waiting to move us forward, He is all about giving us His blessing and enriching out lives. We're the ones who are being slow, it's our choice to submit to His will for us.
I'm not huge on the submission thing. I'm pretty stuck on myself as an individual... (This might be because my mother used to make me feel that unless I was wearing a long jean jumper, had long hair, no makeup, and wore tights and socks with sneakers on, that I wasn't going to be a good Christian girl -- I'm not huge on conforming now, if that explains why. . . ) But really, I'm super terrified of becoming a super cheerful Jesus-zombie. Wow, I sound like a terrible person, but hey I'm being honest here, and it's almost 3 AM and my filter is turned off I believe. But anyway, I have alot of really negative associations with the idea of submitting to God.
On the other hand, it seems like every single time I stop listening to Him I end up in some situation where I am clothed in nothing but self-loathing and filled with regret. I find myself driving somewhere feeling like I could go no lower in my own estimation and wondering why the hell I can't seem to get it together and make better choices for myself. Here's the final question of the night. . . Why would we choose to run back to our captivity and the chains of our bondage rather than saying Yes to our loving Father and walking victoriously into His promised land?
I feel like I have gotten to my Exodus 16 moment finally. The excitement of the exit from my Egypt is over and I'm in that wilderness place, the place in between where it's not exactly easy. Ironically I am actually in the desert, and it is actually hott and miserable here. But man, I feel where the Israelites were coming from when they said "Things were better back when we were slaves in Egypt" They didn't mean things were literally better, they just meant that they were familiar. They couldn't imagine that the time spent trekking across the desert would actually be worth their while, that the Promised Land on the other side would actually blow Egypt out of the water and that they would be satisfied beyond their wildest dreams. They didn't have the foresight, no, FAITH to believe that.
Gosh, He is so patient with me. Patient beyond what I deserve. I imagine He's laughing a little right now that I've answered my own questions by taking a minute to actually stop asking questions and start reflecting on the answers I already know. He is Good. He is Faithful. It's a matter of looking at His track record, realizing you're joining the winning side and just saying:
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
<3<3<3
Emma
live your words, fulfill your dreams
