12.29.11

Short post for me today. It's been a while since I've written, and the main reason is because I've had some serious writer's block. Okay, maybe because I moved into my own apartment and don't want to pay for internet, or maybe because I lost the duct tape holding my dear laptop together. Not sure which. But I'm in the Yuma Public Library now experiencing life through the homeless people's eyes. Seriously. Dude next to me smells. I have recently considered selling my plasma twice a week for extra cash. I decided if I'm gonna live in the ghetto I need to get the full experience.

Okay, enough about that. I am actually doing fine. I have my own place, and am paying my bills on time. I work hard for everything I have, and am finding that being a grown up is a lot less enjoyable than my hero Carrie Bradshaw makes it look like on SATC. I have yet to make enough off of my writings to purchase any 900$ pairs of shoes. How disappointing. But oh yeah, life is good. I've been dating my boyfriend, Michael, for like two months or something now. I don't really keep track of time, but it's been longer than two weeks so that's nice. He just bought an amazing house. Very proud of him.

Christmas is over! Yesssss! I missed my Mama this Christmas, and am depressed about the impending new year. I've been here for like 8 months now and still am serving pasta not knowing what's next. What does a new year mean for me? Aren't we all sort of asking ourselves that? I wish I knew what path I was headed down in this new year, and honestly am overwhelmed that I still don't have my answers. I'll even admit that I've got myself into a place where I was just EXISTING rather than LIVING.

I realized today though that the difference between being alive and existing is simple. When you are alive you are still asking questions... When you are existing you stop trying to find out why, how and when... you just do. When it became apparent to me that I was in a stagnant place in my life I got a little alarmed and saw that when I stopped seeking and searching is when I began to feel absolutely complacent and a little miserable.

My challenge for myself and for whoever cares to read is this- - in this new year-- don't settle. If you find a question unanswered, put in work to find the answer, if a door closes on you, find another, but don't just get comfortable. When you don't have your eyes set on something, when you have no target for your life, that's when you know you're in trouble.

You know, when you diet so much and you lose all this weight  . . . and then it just stops. You plateau and progress stops. In order to continue to lose weight you have to cut something else out, revamp your exercise routine, do something different, work a little harder. It's the same way in life. If you find yourself stuck somewhere you can't just sit still and expect it to get better. . .

So yeah. In the New Year I am going to remember these things
1) Those who seek will find
2) Nothing comes without effort

My Father isn't going to push me into anything I don't want, He waits to answer my call, but when I stop calling, stop searching and stop seeking He has to wait on me. I wonder if He ever shakes His head at me and thinks, "I have shown Emma My hand in her life so many times, so many provisions, so many blessings and STILL homegirl hasn't gotten it through her head that giving her life totally over IS a guarantee. . . " I mean seriously, God has to be so irritated with us at times, but the amazing thing is- when I call out, He sends His presence to me and I know He hasn't ever left me alone.

It really is incredible to know, no matter what the circumstance is currently that He has promised a "future and a hope"

Happy New Year,

Emma