8.9.12 [questions]

i've been doing so much writing lately that is far too uncensored to make it onto this blog. writing is such a release for me, i swear sometimes i can close my eyes and just let my fingers go, they make their own type of music on the keys. then... i open my eyes and read what i wrote, sometimes i smile, but sometimes i feel like i glimpsed into a stranger's mind. 

here are some uncut thoughts that i'm considering lately - 

childhood faith is like an arranged marriage 
- you don't choose, instead it's chosen for you. 
-you spend your whole life being taught how you, the bride of this faith, are supposed to act, what you are supposed to do, you know the rules, you know the expectations, and you do your best to live up to them. 

then you wake up one day a decade later and realize that you're married to, entangled with, a Husband that you don't actually know. You're committed to someone that you know of, that you have studied, prepared for, cried over, sacrificed for... but one day in between events and church attendance... you feel completely lost. 

do you want to be in this marriage? are you content with the intents of your parents, can you accept what they've given you and make it your life? do you want to question the authenticity of what you have, or do you want to just keep up appearances? do you want to be married to your faith in an intimate way, or do you want to just live in it? 

completely unorthodox blog for me, but i believe you have to first ask questions in order to find answers. 
if you are content living in a world where you never test the limits- live on. but i can't help wondering, and truly hoping that there is more than this. 


- e