8.9.12 [questions]

i've been doing so much writing lately that is far too uncensored to make it onto this blog. writing is such a release for me, i swear sometimes i can close my eyes and just let my fingers go, they make their own type of music on the keys. then... i open my eyes and read what i wrote, sometimes i smile, but sometimes i feel like i glimpsed into a stranger's mind. 

here are some uncut thoughts that i'm considering lately - 

childhood faith is like an arranged marriage 
- you don't choose, instead it's chosen for you. 
-you spend your whole life being taught how you, the bride of this faith, are supposed to act, what you are supposed to do, you know the rules, you know the expectations, and you do your best to live up to them. 

then you wake up one day a decade later and realize that you're married to, entangled with, a Husband that you don't actually know. You're committed to someone that you know of, that you have studied, prepared for, cried over, sacrificed for... but one day in between events and church attendance... you feel completely lost. 

do you want to be in this marriage? are you content with the intents of your parents, can you accept what they've given you and make it your life? do you want to question the authenticity of what you have, or do you want to just keep up appearances? do you want to be married to your faith in an intimate way, or do you want to just live in it? 

completely unorthodox blog for me, but i believe you have to first ask questions in order to find answers. 
if you are content living in a world where you never test the limits- live on. but i can't help wondering, and truly hoping that there is more than this. 


- e 

4.3.12

1:49 PM

its finally lunchtime. i feel like as always my life is just going passing me 

by and even though i'm living it, i'm also some how missing it. . .

so today i'm not going to eat while driving somewhere, i'm going to sit 

and just take a minute. 

so i quit my job. almost an entire year of serving at OG and i put in my two weeks. 

i felt so GOOD about it when i did it because i believed

 that Heaven was behind my decision. 

the workplace anxiety was coming home with me day after day

my house was always a constant disaster and i felt trapped in a way. 

so i just said, "God I KNOW you have GOOD things for me. . . ." and 

i quit without a back up plan. 

but then again, who needs a back up plan when your first plan is to trust in God? 

but here's whats fresh in my mind and heart at this very moment  - 

transparency of heart and life

trans·par·ent

\tran(t)s-ˈper-ənt\

a (1) : having the property of transmitting light without appreciable scattering so that bodies lying beyond are seen clearly : pellucid (2) : allowing the passage of a specified form of radiation (as X-rays or ultraviolet light)b : fine or sheer enough to be seen through : diaphanous a : free from pretense or deceit : frank b : easily detected or seen through : obvious

c : readily understood

i don't have a whole lot on the thought in my brain right now. its just because

the concept of transparency suggests that either you have nothing to hide or

that you just don't care if your hidden things come to light. . .

neither of those apply to me. 

i like to keep my darkness in the dark and my light out in the light

but in doing that i put up curtains and blinds on the windows of not only my life,

but my soul. i continue to have areas, rooms in my heart, where i keep the 

curtains closed and keep the Light out... 

i'm leaving this an incomplete thought today because i need some time to consider 

what it is a transparent life looks like.