I just have all of these urgently unorganized thoughts that I can't find a proper way to introduce them to this post. I don't even care about grammar and punctuation right now because I am so intent on capturing these thoughts long enough to release them onto this page...
I finally realized why politics make me so furious.
I hate extremists. I claim to be moderate, to be an independent thinker... But I had friend whom I do respect remark to me tonight... "Emma, I know you are a thinker, and I know you are full of tolerance, but you are actually becoming intolerant of the people you find to be intolerant..." Very confusing sentence but she definitely nailed it. I have been irritated and anxious for weeks because I can't deal with my frustrations over people who seem to be hellbent on not understanding any issues beyond the two to three moral ones they feel are important. I am so irritated with their idiocy that I am now them, but coming from the far left... I'm ashamed.
This isn't a post about politics. It is a post about extremes.
I believe we seek after the highs and ride them to the peak, only to feel the crash and burn and then to repeat... I believe we are addicted to the inconsistencies, stuck in the in betweens... I believe that we are discontent and don't ever want to stay the same, to sit still, to let life just be...
And I hate it, I hate knowing that I too am a thrill-seeking high riding typical American bi-polar individual... I hate that balance is one of the things I find most elusive in my life. That one drink with dinner... That one kiss good night... That one piece of chocolate... I am so all or nothing, so in or out that I can't imagine truly living a life of moderation...
But lately I've been praying for moderation more than I pray for that pair of Jeffery Campbell loafers I'm lusting after currently...
I believe that God designed things to be in balance... Look at the Universe for example... Our solar system is perfectly balanced, the Earth is exactly where it needs to be, not a mile to far or a mile too close to the heat of the Sun... But to me, the Trinity is the picture of balance that most takes my breath away.
God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. The Judge, the Savior, the Comforter... All different, but all the same. He is infinite things, but only one. It is a mystery beyond our understanding...
I have been considering my Christianity... What do I want it to look like... What do I want it to be for me, do I want to do it at all!? And while I am not quite finished with these questions I have realized that the reasons I feel disdain for Christianity is because the idea of balance has been exchanged for extremes.
The Lion and the Lamb...
The Word is a Sword, but it is the Bread of Life.
Truth will set you Free, Truth will divide
It's late and I'm running short of words and energy but this is where I'm taking the long route to get to.
Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He was here on earth and He knew exactly who He was, who we were and what He was going to do for us. He knew His sacrifice was the only way for us to find eternal life, and that except through Him no one could be saved. He understood that His Father could not look on sin, that not even the slightest stain could enter into the Father's presence. Jesus was aware of these things - but while He was here he was both Truth and Love. He didn't have to condemn with His words, to judge or to assert Himself... He was able to exist as the Truth but also love his disciples and instruct them... He didn't stand on the street corners holding signs declaring who He was- He just lived it out through His ministry and through Love.
Jesus taught of strength through meekness, of victory through patient endurance. He taught the gospel of loving God and loving others as if they were ourselves... He did audacious things, He did the miraculous and the impossible, but He did it as if it were the ordinary... He is all God, and He is all man... He was majesty clothed in humility... How do I describe Him!?!
I am in awe when I think of who He really is... And I am amazed and inspired and humbled.
Oh that we could find a balance...
To accept forgiveness, but not become prideful... To recognize that while we are redeemed, we are not everything... But at the same time to be strong and not live in our past. To be royalty but to also be as if we were poor. To walk in confidence, but hold onto our meekness. To love ourselves, but to prefer others... It is such a careful balance... We can fall into the trap of always feeling like we don't measure up, like we can't quite get there... We can be over meek, over humble and devalue Christ's work... Or we can be so proud of who we are in Him, how great our life is because we made so many great choices, and how awesome we are because we are following Christ that we forget- it's not even about us. We don't get to boast in a gift that we have received, not based on our own merit.
How we live a life of contrasts in a consistent, moderate way? I believe the key is truly Love.
The Father chose to send His Son to restore a balance to the world - to be an atonement for an unfathomable debt- He chose to offer a balance to judgment with forgiveness...
My unanswered questions still remain - but this idea of moderation brings me just another step closer to discovering the faith I want to live out. I don't want to do it anyone else's way... I don't want to walk in and out of emotional encounters with God... I don't want to declare my devotion from the rooftops of my social networks... I don't want to make "new years resolutions" at the altar week after week. I want to know Him in the quiet, when no one is watching... I want to feel Him when life is still... I want to hear that small voice in the moments of moderation- because if I can find His presence in the mundane- then I will know - this is something real.
