9.22.12 [maybe your highs aren't real... finding a balanced faith]

I just have all of these urgently unorganized thoughts that I can't find a proper way to introduce them to this post. I don't even care about grammar and punctuation right now because I am so intent on capturing these thoughts long enough to release them onto this page... 

I finally realized why politics make me so furious.

I hate extremists. I claim to be moderate, to be an independent thinker... But I had friend whom I do respect remark to me tonight... "Emma, I know you are a thinker, and I know you are full of tolerance, but you are actually becoming intolerant of the people you find to be intolerant..." Very confusing sentence but she definitely nailed it. I have been irritated and anxious for weeks because I can't deal with my frustrations over people who seem to be hellbent on not understanding any issues beyond the two to three moral ones they feel are important. I am so irritated with their idiocy that I am now them, but coming from the far left... I'm ashamed. 

This isn't a post about politics. It is a post about extremes. 

I believe we seek after the highs and ride them to the peak, only to feel the crash and burn and then to repeat... I believe we are addicted to the inconsistencies, stuck in the in betweens... I believe that we are discontent and don't ever want to stay the same, to sit still, to let life just be... 

And I hate it, I hate knowing that I too am a thrill-seeking high riding typical American bi-polar individual... I hate that balance is one of the things I find most elusive in my life. That one drink with dinner... That one kiss good night... That one piece of chocolate... I am so all or nothing, so in or out that I can't imagine truly living a life of moderation...

But lately I've been praying for moderation more than I pray for that pair of Jeffery Campbell loafers I'm lusting after currently... 

I believe that God designed things to be in balance... Look at the Universe for example... Our solar system is perfectly balanced, the Earth is exactly where it needs to be, not a mile to far or a mile too close to the heat of the Sun... But to me, the Trinity is the picture of balance that most takes my breath away. 

God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. The Judge, the Savior, the Comforter... All different, but all the same. He is infinite things, but only one. It is a mystery beyond our understanding...

I have been considering my Christianity... What do I want it to look like... What do I want it to be for me, do I want to do it at all!? And while I am not quite finished with these questions I have realized that the reasons I feel disdain for Christianity is because the idea of balance has been exchanged for extremes. 

The Lion and the Lamb... 

The Word is a Sword, but it is the Bread of Life. 

Truth will set you Free, Truth will divide 

It's late and I'm running short of words and energy but this is where I'm taking the long route to get to. 

Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He was here on earth and He knew exactly who He was, who we were and what He was going to do for us. He knew His sacrifice was the only way for us to find eternal life, and that except through Him no one could be saved. He understood that His Father could not look on sin, that not even the slightest stain could enter into the Father's presence. Jesus was aware of these things - but while He was here he was both Truth and Love. He didn't have to condemn with His words, to judge or to assert Himself... He was able to exist as the Truth but also love his disciples and instruct them... He didn't stand on the street corners holding signs declaring who He was- He just lived it out through His ministry and through Love. 

Jesus taught of strength through meekness, of victory through patient endurance. He taught the gospel of loving God and loving others as if they were ourselves... He did audacious things, He did the miraculous and the impossible, but He did it as if it were the ordinary... He is all God, and He is all man... He was majesty clothed in humility... How do I describe Him!?!

I am in awe when I think of who He really is... And I am amazed and inspired and humbled. 

Oh that we could find a balance...

To accept forgiveness, but not become prideful... To recognize that while we are redeemed, we are not everything... But at the same time to be strong and not live in our past. To be royalty but to also be as if we were poor. To walk in confidence, but hold onto our meekness. To love ourselves, but to prefer others... It is such a careful balance... We can fall into the trap of always feeling like we don't measure up, like we can't quite get there... We can be over meek, over humble and devalue Christ's work... Or we can be so proud of who we are in Him, how great our life is because we made so many great choices, and how awesome we are because we are following Christ that we forget- it's not even about us. We don't get to boast in a gift that we have received, not based on our own merit.

How we live a life of contrasts in a consistent, moderate way? I believe the key is truly Love. 

The Father chose to send His Son to restore a balance to the world - to be an atonement for an unfathomable debt- He chose to offer a balance to judgment with forgiveness... 

My unanswered questions still remain - but this idea of moderation brings me just another step closer to discovering the faith I want to live out. I don't want to do it anyone else's way... I don't want to walk in and out of emotional encounters with God... I don't want to declare my devotion from the rooftops of my social networks... I don't want to make "new years resolutions" at the altar week after week. I want to know Him in the quiet, when no one is watching... I want to feel Him when life is still... I want to hear that small voice in the moments of moderation- because if I can find His presence in the mundane- then I will know - this is something real. 

8.9.12 [questions]

i've been doing so much writing lately that is far too uncensored to make it onto this blog. writing is such a release for me, i swear sometimes i can close my eyes and just let my fingers go, they make their own type of music on the keys. then... i open my eyes and read what i wrote, sometimes i smile, but sometimes i feel like i glimpsed into a stranger's mind. 

here are some uncut thoughts that i'm considering lately - 

childhood faith is like an arranged marriage 
- you don't choose, instead it's chosen for you. 
-you spend your whole life being taught how you, the bride of this faith, are supposed to act, what you are supposed to do, you know the rules, you know the expectations, and you do your best to live up to them. 

then you wake up one day a decade later and realize that you're married to, entangled with, a Husband that you don't actually know. You're committed to someone that you know of, that you have studied, prepared for, cried over, sacrificed for... but one day in between events and church attendance... you feel completely lost. 

do you want to be in this marriage? are you content with the intents of your parents, can you accept what they've given you and make it your life? do you want to question the authenticity of what you have, or do you want to just keep up appearances? do you want to be married to your faith in an intimate way, or do you want to just live in it? 

completely unorthodox blog for me, but i believe you have to first ask questions in order to find answers. 
if you are content living in a world where you never test the limits- live on. but i can't help wondering, and truly hoping that there is more than this. 


- e 

7.11.12 [constant]

Sometimes God can use the simplest things to melt our hearts, to turn our eyes back to Him. This morning I'm taken back to a place I haven't been in such a long time. One Thing Remains by Jesus Culture is filling my room right now, and my soul is reassured. 

Your Love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me. 

I am so thankful that these words are true. That You are the one constant through the trial and the change. 

My world has been in the middle of quite a lot of both as of late and this morning I am reminded that You are still here. That the silence I've been experiencing  is simply for lack of listening... 

When the disciples were in the boat with Him, experiencing the storm of their lives, they became terrified and full of doubt. They woke Jesus frantically, wondering how He could sleep through the complete turmoil they were fighting against. He was so calm, stood and said, "Peace Be Still" and the winds and waves stopped, they simply quit... 

This morning I put myself in the place of the disciples and I remember that even in this storm, He is still present here. 

I am not alone. There is NO way that this storm will get the best of me. I am so confident in this, because my confidence is in One who never fails. 

<3 

(just because i think this art is a tiny bit of brilliance) 

let it go. . .

For every magnificent high there seemed to be just as many crushing lows... That delicate balance of victory and defeat shifted and things just began to stop. You knew it just as well as me, the moment when things began to slip away. To give and give, and never be enough. To take and take, and never be satisfied… So much taking and giving, and so little loving… but wasn’t it all in the name of love? But love can conquer all, isn’t that what we’re told? Love can endure all things, but maybe some things weren’t built to endure love… But you have begun to recognize that this love has robbed you of your life… that you are cold and alone, hungry and afraid, tired and defeated… As you look into their eyes on the other side of the bed you understand that the only thing you hold in common is that… you are both reaching for extra blankets, in the middle of summer. When did it happen? Trace it back across the timelines of your mind- maybe you can discover when the heat began to cool… Sometimes the truest measure of love is not about how much you can give, but about what you are willing to give up. Sometimes leaving, rather than staying is the answer that no one wants to give. Sometimes we get it all wrong in love, and maybe someday we’ll get to do it right. 

let the Light shine in [6.19.12]

on my heart<3 

today i'm praying

that you'd come just as you are

that you'd open your Eyes to Love

understand that it's not about the past

it's about this moment

it's about opening your heart just a little crack

and letting the Light shine in

if you could light up your own life, 

if you could clean up your own heart

why would we be in desperate need?!

don't try to clean house, turn the lights on,

sweep things under the rug

before you cry out

don't try and make things

presentable before you let Jesus

into your life

don't wait till later when you

are more ready

because you'll never be more ready

than right now, right this moment

He doesn't say

"change your behavior, 

i'll check back later"

He just wants you

just open the window

to the Sun light this morning

it's just that first step

and before you know it

you'll wake up in a 

whole new world

<3

6.11.12 [ back to the cross ]

Sometimes you just have to go back to the start, back to the beginning of things. . .

Last week was just a really tough week for me. Without going into detail, I will say this- everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Beyond losing my job and breaking my lease, on a very personal level my failures, my flaws, my secrets, my lies... they all came to light. I was faced with something very ugly, and that ugliness overwhelmed me, embarrassed me and sent me scrambling for answers. 

I had the opportunity to go to an "Encounter" this weekend. I went because one of my girlfriends asked me to. . . And literally within the first 15 minutes I was angry I was there. All of the ladies in my group had been saved less than two months. What was I doing here?! I've known Jesus since I was 4 years old! I immediately tensed up, closed up and just felt anger all over again. 

I don't need this! I already understand salvation, I need actual, real help!

This weekend I went back to the cross of Jesus. Like it was the first time. Like I'd never understood it before. I left all of my knowledge, all of my religion, all of my pride at the feet of Jesus and I experienced the Cross in a brand new way. 

I realized that I rarely think of the cross anymore. 

But the Cross of Christ is the center of everything I am, everything I believe. 

Without the cross, there would have been no forgiveness. Without the cross, 

we wouldn't understand love, because the cross is the ultimate definition of love. 

In my life I have accepted what Jesus did on the cross as the first step to living a Christian life. You go to the cross, you accept Him, you believe, your sins are washed, and you begin your journey following after Him. 

I realize that I leave the cross in the distance. I push forward and it's silhouette get's smaller and smaller on the horizon. 

This is where I've been wrong! This is why nothing has been working!

In order to truly walk with Christ we have to keep the cross of Christ in our sights. 

We don't do this to be reminded of our already forgiven sins, to remember how "sinful our past was", to keep us humble, to feel sorry. . . 

We need the Cross because we need to Blood of Jesus. We need to remember that EVERYTHING we need in our lives He paid for on the cross. Everything we need He took care of as He was beaten, as He was tortured. 

No, we don't need to feel sorry that Jesus went through these things- we need to feel grateful. He did it for us out of LOVE. It was His choice. Don't look at the cross and feel guilty- feel empowered! 

His Love for ME was so great that He endured the cross so that my sins might be forgiven. He endured the cross to silence the accusations of my enemy. We don't just accept what He did and keep moving. We depend on it! We know that it is power for our lives! 

Humanity was on a miserable path until the cross came, and changed the world. God is a God of Holiness, sin can't come anywhere near His presence. For years mankind offered sacrifices and followed rituals in order to be forgiven for their sins... But every sin required another sacrifice, and we kept on sinning! God's nature is so against sin that previous to Jesus there were laws that allowed sinners to be stoned for their transgressions! God reached out His hand from heaven on occasions and took the life of people who were in rebellion. Sin was no small matter. As time went by the gap between creation and Creator grew wider and wider. God loved the world so deeply, but the world was entrapped in sin. 

He had only one choice left, and that was to send Jesus, once and for all. 

God knew that only Jesus could break the curse of sin that was holding the world captive. The curse of sin is death and destruction. It is working and working and never receiving the fruit of your labor. The curse had enslaved the world and left everyone without hope. 

Jesus Christ came and changed things. Because He was blameless, He was able to take on all the sins of the world. When we go to the cross He transfers all of His goodness on us, and we transfer all of our sins to Him. It is this exchange that saves us. 

He conquered death and returned to the right hand of the Father. God still cannot look at sin, but now Jesus intervenes and intercedes for us. We go to Jesus and he pleads our case before the Father. He silences our accuser- He has cancelled our sin! 

The blood of Jesus allows us to stand boldly, confidently and securely in the presence of God!! But there is still more! 

When the Israelites were being held captive in Egypt God appointed Moses to go in and deliver them. There were a series of plagues sent upon the Egyptian and the final one was when God told Moses that He was going to send the angel of death over the land, and every first born son would die... God instructed that each of the Hebrew families were to kill a sheep as a sacrifice, and then take the blood and apply it over the door of their home. When the angel saw the blood over the home, it had to pass on by- there had already been a death here... 

This is a picture, hundreds of years before Jesus came, that shows us how His sacrifice works for us. When the Enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy... to take that which is ours, to tell us that we are nothing, that our new life is a lie, that we have no right to claim the inheritance of Christ... We, through the power of Jesus' sacrifice, have the ability to remember what Jesus did and declare that through Jesus sacrifice and His blood that the curse of sin is broken, that we are not held captive, that everything He says about us is true and that we won't believe another minute the lies of the enemy! 

This is why. . . This is why we have to stay close to the cross. Because the cross bridges the gap between us and the Father. Because the cross represents the Love of Christ for us. Because the Cross represents a broken curse and a powerless adversary. The Cross is power to live this life in God's perfect fullness!! 

<3 

everyday is beautiful

5.11.12

just some glimpses into my day

it's amazing how many

beautiful things are around us 

if we only open our eyes 

<3 

5.6.12 [memories of happiness]

This is the time of evening I find this extreme satisfaction come over me. Sitting on my “vintage” couch in my tiny little apartment, in my own little piece of the world… Listening to Mary J. Blige radio on Pandora… dishes washed… the smell of dinner still in the air… I’m noticing that my entire house is my closet and laundry basket all in one… how does a bra end up on the kitchen table?! Random lists scattered with mail all over my rug, books under my couch cushions… I read a quote recently that said:

“Creative minds are rarely tidy”

and I just accepted it as truth and stopped freaking out as much about my inability to keep up with myself…

I have been lost in memories lately.

But not the ones filled with regret. Not the heavy ones that I’ve laid to rest.

Just the beautiful ones…

Memories of …

Rollerblading hockey games in the neighborhood

Of football in bicycle helmets

Of chapter books read by flashlight in the middle of the night

Uncoordinated plays and lost basketball games, all for my Dad

Reading Southern Living and the Journal obituaries out loud for Nana

Of family produced Christmas plays, I stared as sheep, innkeeper, wise man shepherd

Hours spent with my composition notebooks and my Bible

Missionary biographies, the heroes of my Childhood: Amy Carmichael, Hudson Taylor and Gladys Aylward

Long piano lessons, metronome days and my own worship time… me and the keys…

Unbraiding hair for hours, tucked into the clouds of the Blue Mountains of Jamaica

Feeling the presence of a Living God at the Garden Tomb in Jerusalem

Opening my soul’s secrets that night in Budapest, Hungary to a room full of compassionate women

Hours of walking and talking with my sister in the Yuma heat, finally feeling understood

Waiting and waiting in a hotel in D.C. for my brother to compete in Nashville Star

That shocking moment in Art class to hear my brother’s name called immediately after mine on the roll

Walking out of work to see my little brother’s truck waiting to take me to my dorm

Following my Dad around Glasgow, WV listening to the narrated tour of his childhood

Being held on midnight having Happy Birthday sang into my ear as we danced around your kitchen

Pie baking lessons with my Mother

Measurements and sewing with my grandma, most original (and conservative) prom dress

Hours of walking in the hot sun, carrying gospel tracts, encountering complete strangers

Elation as I was crowned homecoming queen

Hot bran muffins and cream of wheat with brown sugar before school

Museum visits rather than vacations… Coal mine tour, Blennerhasset Island, Monticello, Mt. Vernon, Smithsonian, Liberty Bell, Betsy Ross, Gettysburg. . .

Countless hours in the Library, book charts and “book-it” pizzas

Waking to see you fell asleep with ESPN on, again

Being careful not to scrape my spoon on my yogurt cup… Oh Leah, how I love you, my sister and my soul mate

Witnessing the best friend I’ve ever had accept Christ into her heart

Holding my Nana’s hand that night while my brother sang Amazing Grace while she slipped into eternity

Tuesday night free dinners cooked by true Saints in God’s Kingdom

Late night conversations with the residents of Gardiner, those students changed my life

Coffee dates and dog walks with Annette

Intervention nights with my best girls, so many tears, so much love

Seeing my sister, brother-in-law and niece waiting to meet me at the Airport in San Diego

I can’t keep writing. I could but I’m crying more than I’d like to admit.

I’m so blessed. I have experienced such beauty.

I have lived in a way that would seem like my life has been filled with pain and I realize that the painful times don’t outweigh the rest…

I’ve wondered for weeks why it is that I’ve been clinging to the quiet, spending time alone, lost in my thoughts…

But I think this is why – I needed to somehow sort it out, sift thru the memories, relive the good and the bad and decide that from now on the history of my life is defined by the high moments, and not the low ones. The scars that the tragedies have left only add character, and my life is one of color, not of darkness. The beautiful thing about freewill is that in a way, we hold the pen to the blank pages of our books, we get to keep writing, even after we totally ruined the last chapter.

So I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep living. I’ll keep believing in goodness. I’ll keep believing in justice, in equality, in hope for humanity. I’ll keep standing for the things I’ve believed since I was young, I’ll keep dreaming the dreams I once dreamt.

I’ll keep believing in the one who called my heart, yes, Jesus.

His presence comforts me and delivers me, strengthens me and reminds me that I am Beautiful.

<3 Emma 

4.29.12 [What do I know of You?]

I’m not a person prone to trust issues… I am a giver of second chances, and a believer in goodness. Lately in my life I have felt cynicism all over my life. You know… Always doubting people’s word, assuming the worst of others, just feeling like everything and everyone is in a giant conspiracy against me.

In this lovely three weeks of unemployment I’ve felt a range of things from panic to peace, expectation to disappointment, fear to indifference…  My prayers have been a mix of “God I trust You, I believe You have only good things for me…” along with some of the “What the heck God, where is my damn job?!” Then today I stopped procrastinating the event of actually looking at my bank account and seeing where I am financially. I did the math of what I have, what’s due when and determined that I will run out of money exactly on May 12^th. Literal full-blown panic ensued.

I think in that moment of fear, Jesus looked down and stepped into the gap that was my unbelief…

I can look at the circumstances all day, I can drown in fear and anxiety and uncertainty. I can sit around feeling deserted and lost. I can struggle with depression and abandonment…

Or I can look at the facts.

“Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”

Hebrews 13:5

 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?' ... your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

Matthew 6:31-32

And my God will supply all of my needs, according to His riches in glory, in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

Those three verses came tumbling into my heart, one after the other. . . I don’t know how to describe it. . . It’s like God is correcting me, but also loving me and promising to me that He is faithful, all in one. This is the mystery that is our God. He is goodness, but He is justice. He is the giver of freewill, but the supplier of our lives. He is Holy, but he is Grace. He is Everything. More than we can ask or think, more than our minds can imagine, more than our hearts can hold. The fact is that in His storehouses are riches beyond belief.

My father is the King of Nations, His wealth is untold, His riches are beyond measure and when Jesus sacrificed His life to redeem me, I became a joint heir with Christ. Do you understand what that means? It means that when we are redeemed we are able to come before God for anything, to pray with expectation!

He took the loaves and fishes packed into a child’s lunch and fed a multitude! He delivered a lamb into the wilderness at the time of Abraham’s great need! He didn’t allow the widow’s oil and flour to run dry during the Famine in Israel. He produced the disciples tax money out of the mouth of a fish! He told us that even the hairs on our heads are numbered!

A song that Pandora “randomly” selects like 10 times a day (seriously) is What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road –

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean

Are You fire, are You fury

Are You sacred, are You beautiful

What do I know, what do I know of Holy

Just letting the thoughts in my head appear on the screen puts this all into perspective. How dare I doubt Him?! The disciples were in the boat with Him, and they saw the storm and they panicked! I think of Jesus, sleeping through the turmoil, knowing that everything was okay… He said “Oh you of little faith!”

I don’t want to be a follower with little faith anymore. I want to know God’s promises, and I want to live oblivious to the storm, eyes fixed on Him.

<3 Emma

(4.17.12) Jesus, Washer of my feet?

I had the great privilege of attending a bible study these evening in the home of someone I consider to be a mentor in my life. Lynne is a beautiful woman who lives her life in complete faith, who truly loves her Lord... I am blessed beyond to have her influence in my life.

The study sheet today was entitled "Dirty Jobs, Clean Hands, Pure Hearts"

and the text was John 13:1-17

Rather than copy the entire text, I will paraphrase the passage. 

It's the last supper. Jesus has just barely 24 hours left to spend with His disciples. It is incredible to me that this in His last hours he chose to comfort, rather than give into fear and try to find comfort in them. They are about to partake in their last meal, and Jesus sees that everyone is coming to the table with dirty feet. What does He do? Well of course we know that He simply finds a towel and water and gets on His knees before the disciples to wash their feet. So he is washing feet, no big deal, and then He gets to Peter. 

Peter is emphatic... "You will NEVER wash my feet" 

Jesus tells him, "Unless I wash your feet, you will never have a part of Me"

Peter, being the enthusiastic man that we know him to be says, 

"Wash my whole body then!" 

Jesus reminds him, "the rest of your body is already clean!! only your feet are dirty!" 

(Jesus also mentions in here that their bodies were clean, although not everyone was clean that was present--- total Judas reference because He knew that He had already been betrayed) 

And then of course He explains the significance of what had happened for the benefit of the "slower disciples" :) 

“Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. ¹³ “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. ¹⁴ Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. ¹⁶ Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

I love it. 

It's like I had forgotten about this incredible passage and message until tonight. There are so many things I took from it that I am just going to list them.

1) The Lord and Savior washed the disciples feet. The Creator of the universe got down on His knees before the absolute "least of these" How amazing! How humiliating for Him, but He did it so willingly because of His great love!

2) Peter felt intense shame at the thought of his filthy feet being exposed to Jesus. I identified with this so much! Of course Jesus knew how dirty his feet were! Everyone's feet were dirty! But because Peter UNDERSTOOD the Holiness of Jesus He was ashamed to just put his nasty feet out in His presence. 

3) When Peter understood that the washing of the feet was necessary he told Jesus, "wash my whole body then!" Tonight I understood the significance of the foot washing like I never have before... Jesus told him no, that it was unnecessary to rewash an already clean body. . . That only the feet need to be taken care of. 

I grew up under the impression that salvation was conditional, that we had to re-secure our salvation when we sinned. How liberating to really know that we don't have to go through multiple washings once He has cleansed our soul.... Instead we just have to allow Him to cleanse the areas that we dirty along our journey. 

We are all going to get our feet dirty, and He knows that! He just needs us to be willing to have our feet washed. How beautiful! 

4) Jesus washed Judas' feet. I just think this is a testimony to the great Love of Christ. He was able to without malice wash the feet of the man who had walked with Him, and then turned on Him. It reminds me that He loves every soul equally and seeks to save and redeem ALL that are lost. He still holds love in His heart even for those souls that never chose eternal life. 

5) If Jesus could wash the feet of His disciples, how much more can we do to serve and love all those that are in our lives. It reminds me that there is truly no task that I am "above" and that there is no one that I am allowed to over look. 

6) We say that we wouldn't let the Lord wash our feet! Oh no! I couldn't let Jesus do that! But the truth is, we are always in desperate need of a foot washing! I know for me personally at times it is humiliating to have to come to Him asking Him to clean me up again. I have to remove my shoes and show Him where my feet have been. I am so glad that He has forgiveness for us... over and over and over... He is good 

Will I let Him wash my feet?

Yes. 

Even if I feel like I have the dirtiest, most calloused, driest feet in the world... I have to say yes.

I have to allow Him access to the parts of me that are dirty, that are damaged, that need repair. I have to let go of my pride and admit I can't clean myself up, and I have to let Him get in my life and do His work. Even when I'm ashamed of myself, I have to say yes. 

<3

4.12.12 (violence in the land of sleep)

There is a difference between sleep and rest and beyond that there is a difference also between sleep and slumber. I have been in this place where I have fallen into the trap of sleep.

I’m not just talking about the excessive hours I spend sleeping, pressing snooze on my alarms, resetting my alarms for 30 more minutes, another hour… no I am talking about my life attitude.

When slumber comes over your life it is a dangerous thing. That spirit of slothful complacency is so overpowering, you hardly realize you have been overtaken. It’s like when you sleep so much you just stay in a continuous state of exhaustion.

I always remember the story of when Jesus was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane… It was the night of his arrest… The eve of the biggest event in the history of mankind, Jesus was about to give up His life for ours… Tell me what the disciples did? We all know… Jesus told them to “watch and pray” and instead every time he returned to them, he had to shake them out of their sleep! I remember some words that I was taught when I was about 14 and sitting in that very same Garden, just outside the gates of Jerusalem. The teacher said that in our humanity we often use sleep as an escape when we are on the brink of a spiritual breakthrough. We become overwhelmed and we just choose to sleep. For some reason I’ve carried that thought with me for all of these years, because I have seen them to be true. But I know that it’s true in many areas. We use sleep as an escape from life at times…

Sleep has been hovering over my life lately, holding me down and keeping me from my plans and dreams. I have felt this powerful lack of motivation being held over me. The thought that, “I’ll do it later…” has occurred to me so many times.

When is later?! A verse that comes to mind is Proverbs 24:33-34

A little sleep, a little slumber, 
a little folding of the hands to rest— and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.

This is so true, isn’t it?! I don’t have a problem with expressing publicly my struggle, because I KNOW that I am not the only one. Procrastination is the Enemy’s best tool against the Kingdom of God!

My girlfriend told me tonight, “Emma we have so much to do! We need to do it!”

She is so right. We all have a call, a commission, a purpose, and what are we doing to fulfill it? I know for me, I am sitting on the edge, on the precipice of selling out to a call I don’t yet understand, and instead of just pushing through… I sleep.

I just had a little flashback of a journal I used to write in. The cover had this verse written across it –

Awake, you who sleep
- Arise from the dead,
And Christ will give you light. See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time.

(Ephesians 5:14-16)

I think this reminds me that I have been here before, in the land of slumber.

He is calling me, so specifically, to wake up and make up for lost time.

On the one-year anniversary of my time here in Yuma I didn’t even have the energy to write. I felt that in my heart I knew I had accomplished much here, but at the same time I am in a place where I feel completely stagnant.

It started when I made the choice, in faith, to quit my job. I knew that that was the right thing to do, but in the process of believing for the new job, I became overwhelmed and gave in to the sleep of unbelief.

But the kingdom belongs to me! More flashbacks in my spirit of my childhood, adult bible study sit ins for so many hours have saturated my heart and spirit in the word of God.

“the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force”

Matthew 11:12

That verse puzzled me as a kid, but I understand it more than ever right now. Sure, a lot of Christianity is counterintuitive. We are called to be meek, not to fight back, not to return wrong for wrong… But meekness is not weakness. He actually commands us to put on ARMOUR. We are not required to put on a full suit of armor just to sit around and meditate on the word. We are also called into action. The only enemy we are called to fight against is the enemy of our souls, which is the devil himself. When the Kingdom, God’s Kingdom, your life, is attacked, we are called to become violent and fight for our rights!

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:12

I am recognizing that I have the blood of Christ over my heart and life. I have the mark of redemption on my head, and the call of the Father on me. His Spirit is alive in me, and I am on the pathway to Heaven. Because of the Light I carry I am a threat to the Kingdom of Darkness. I will not allow darkness to come over my life another day. I will not allow the sleeplike apathy to control me another day.

The enemy comes to steal anything he can, and because he can’t have my soul, he has been stealing time from me. We are told to rebuke him, and he has to flee!

It is so incredible being on this side of the battle-- to be wearing the impenetrable  armor of  the Warrior of Heaven, to be promised victory on every count, to know that in fact, the battle is already won!

So it’s time to get up. Off the couch. Out of bed. Turn off the tv. Put down the phone. The violent… take it by force….

<3 Emma 

letter to the world

Dear Everyone,

Everyone really feels the same way. Everyone is searching for a familiar face, a place to call home, and a group to belong.  We all are desperate for a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold us. You’re not the only one who wants to feel significant, like the world can’t do without the light emanating from your life. Yes, you are ten feet tall, and you can do anything you want! We all want to be the center of someone’s world, to know that we are gravity to another human being. . . Yes, it is all about meaning. We want to feel like someone would pay up on a billion dollar ransom for us, that someone would travel the world over in search of us, that someone would give up their life in our place. It’s true. We all need to believe that we are not small… that we are not just a tiny speck of a person in a population to vast to count. None of us want to feel like a number or a stereotype. We want to feel like our value is immeasurable and unparalleled. We all want to be fought for, to be pursued…. We all want to matter. In our human minds truly the most miserable place we can find ourselves is alone. That feeling of isolation is the coldest feeling a soul can experience. The feeling that if you were to fade out and disappear that no one would know the difference, that none of your words and thoughts would be missed… that the glass of someone else’s life wouldn’t feel less full if you were

 gone. . .  that feeling is unbearable. You know what I mean, don’t you?

You can’t deny these things… Yet you participate in making others around you feel alone. You don’t look past your own search for significance to realize that you have isolated another needy soul. In your own pursuit of purpose you have forgotten that to be significant you have to mean something to others. And to mean something to others you have to define yourself to them. What is your definition?

Just don't forget to remember how things really  are, and what really matters. If we can't be good to the people God has placed in our path, than who will be? 

Love, 

Everyone