4.29.12 [What do I know of You?]

I’m not a person prone to trust issues… I am a giver of second chances, and a believer in goodness. Lately in my life I have felt cynicism all over my life. You know… Always doubting people’s word, assuming the worst of others, just feeling like everything and everyone is in a giant conspiracy against me.

In this lovely three weeks of unemployment I’ve felt a range of things from panic to peace, expectation to disappointment, fear to indifference…  My prayers have been a mix of “God I trust You, I believe You have only good things for me…” along with some of the “What the heck God, where is my damn job?!” Then today I stopped procrastinating the event of actually looking at my bank account and seeing where I am financially. I did the math of what I have, what’s due when and determined that I will run out of money exactly on May 12^th. Literal full-blown panic ensued.

I think in that moment of fear, Jesus looked down and stepped into the gap that was my unbelief…

I can look at the circumstances all day, I can drown in fear and anxiety and uncertainty. I can sit around feeling deserted and lost. I can struggle with depression and abandonment…

Or I can look at the facts.

“Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”

Hebrews 13:5

 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?' ... your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

Matthew 6:31-32

And my God will supply all of my needs, according to His riches in glory, in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

Those three verses came tumbling into my heart, one after the other. . . I don’t know how to describe it. . . It’s like God is correcting me, but also loving me and promising to me that He is faithful, all in one. This is the mystery that is our God. He is goodness, but He is justice. He is the giver of freewill, but the supplier of our lives. He is Holy, but he is Grace. He is Everything. More than we can ask or think, more than our minds can imagine, more than our hearts can hold. The fact is that in His storehouses are riches beyond belief.

My father is the King of Nations, His wealth is untold, His riches are beyond measure and when Jesus sacrificed His life to redeem me, I became a joint heir with Christ. Do you understand what that means? It means that when we are redeemed we are able to come before God for anything, to pray with expectation!

He took the loaves and fishes packed into a child’s lunch and fed a multitude! He delivered a lamb into the wilderness at the time of Abraham’s great need! He didn’t allow the widow’s oil and flour to run dry during the Famine in Israel. He produced the disciples tax money out of the mouth of a fish! He told us that even the hairs on our heads are numbered!

A song that Pandora “randomly” selects like 10 times a day (seriously) is What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road –

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean

Are You fire, are You fury

Are You sacred, are You beautiful

What do I know, what do I know of Holy

Just letting the thoughts in my head appear on the screen puts this all into perspective. How dare I doubt Him?! The disciples were in the boat with Him, and they saw the storm and they panicked! I think of Jesus, sleeping through the turmoil, knowing that everything was okay… He said “Oh you of little faith!”

I don’t want to be a follower with little faith anymore. I want to know God’s promises, and I want to live oblivious to the storm, eyes fixed on Him.

<3 Emma

(4.17.12) Jesus, Washer of my feet?

I had the great privilege of attending a bible study these evening in the home of someone I consider to be a mentor in my life. Lynne is a beautiful woman who lives her life in complete faith, who truly loves her Lord... I am blessed beyond to have her influence in my life.

The study sheet today was entitled "Dirty Jobs, Clean Hands, Pure Hearts"

and the text was John 13:1-17

Rather than copy the entire text, I will paraphrase the passage. 

It's the last supper. Jesus has just barely 24 hours left to spend with His disciples. It is incredible to me that this in His last hours he chose to comfort, rather than give into fear and try to find comfort in them. They are about to partake in their last meal, and Jesus sees that everyone is coming to the table with dirty feet. What does He do? Well of course we know that He simply finds a towel and water and gets on His knees before the disciples to wash their feet. So he is washing feet, no big deal, and then He gets to Peter. 

Peter is emphatic... "You will NEVER wash my feet" 

Jesus tells him, "Unless I wash your feet, you will never have a part of Me"

Peter, being the enthusiastic man that we know him to be says, 

"Wash my whole body then!" 

Jesus reminds him, "the rest of your body is already clean!! only your feet are dirty!" 

(Jesus also mentions in here that their bodies were clean, although not everyone was clean that was present--- total Judas reference because He knew that He had already been betrayed) 

And then of course He explains the significance of what had happened for the benefit of the "slower disciples" :) 

“Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. ¹³ “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. ¹⁴ Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. ¹⁶ Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

I love it. 

It's like I had forgotten about this incredible passage and message until tonight. There are so many things I took from it that I am just going to list them.

1) The Lord and Savior washed the disciples feet. The Creator of the universe got down on His knees before the absolute "least of these" How amazing! How humiliating for Him, but He did it so willingly because of His great love!

2) Peter felt intense shame at the thought of his filthy feet being exposed to Jesus. I identified with this so much! Of course Jesus knew how dirty his feet were! Everyone's feet were dirty! But because Peter UNDERSTOOD the Holiness of Jesus He was ashamed to just put his nasty feet out in His presence. 

3) When Peter understood that the washing of the feet was necessary he told Jesus, "wash my whole body then!" Tonight I understood the significance of the foot washing like I never have before... Jesus told him no, that it was unnecessary to rewash an already clean body. . . That only the feet need to be taken care of. 

I grew up under the impression that salvation was conditional, that we had to re-secure our salvation when we sinned. How liberating to really know that we don't have to go through multiple washings once He has cleansed our soul.... Instead we just have to allow Him to cleanse the areas that we dirty along our journey. 

We are all going to get our feet dirty, and He knows that! He just needs us to be willing to have our feet washed. How beautiful! 

4) Jesus washed Judas' feet. I just think this is a testimony to the great Love of Christ. He was able to without malice wash the feet of the man who had walked with Him, and then turned on Him. It reminds me that He loves every soul equally and seeks to save and redeem ALL that are lost. He still holds love in His heart even for those souls that never chose eternal life. 

5) If Jesus could wash the feet of His disciples, how much more can we do to serve and love all those that are in our lives. It reminds me that there is truly no task that I am "above" and that there is no one that I am allowed to over look. 

6) We say that we wouldn't let the Lord wash our feet! Oh no! I couldn't let Jesus do that! But the truth is, we are always in desperate need of a foot washing! I know for me personally at times it is humiliating to have to come to Him asking Him to clean me up again. I have to remove my shoes and show Him where my feet have been. I am so glad that He has forgiveness for us... over and over and over... He is good 

Will I let Him wash my feet?

Yes. 

Even if I feel like I have the dirtiest, most calloused, driest feet in the world... I have to say yes.

I have to allow Him access to the parts of me that are dirty, that are damaged, that need repair. I have to let go of my pride and admit I can't clean myself up, and I have to let Him get in my life and do His work. Even when I'm ashamed of myself, I have to say yes. 

<3

4.12.12 (violence in the land of sleep)

There is a difference between sleep and rest and beyond that there is a difference also between sleep and slumber. I have been in this place where I have fallen into the trap of sleep.

I’m not just talking about the excessive hours I spend sleeping, pressing snooze on my alarms, resetting my alarms for 30 more minutes, another hour… no I am talking about my life attitude.

When slumber comes over your life it is a dangerous thing. That spirit of slothful complacency is so overpowering, you hardly realize you have been overtaken. It’s like when you sleep so much you just stay in a continuous state of exhaustion.

I always remember the story of when Jesus was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane… It was the night of his arrest… The eve of the biggest event in the history of mankind, Jesus was about to give up His life for ours… Tell me what the disciples did? We all know… Jesus told them to “watch and pray” and instead every time he returned to them, he had to shake them out of their sleep! I remember some words that I was taught when I was about 14 and sitting in that very same Garden, just outside the gates of Jerusalem. The teacher said that in our humanity we often use sleep as an escape when we are on the brink of a spiritual breakthrough. We become overwhelmed and we just choose to sleep. For some reason I’ve carried that thought with me for all of these years, because I have seen them to be true. But I know that it’s true in many areas. We use sleep as an escape from life at times…

Sleep has been hovering over my life lately, holding me down and keeping me from my plans and dreams. I have felt this powerful lack of motivation being held over me. The thought that, “I’ll do it later…” has occurred to me so many times.

When is later?! A verse that comes to mind is Proverbs 24:33-34

A little sleep, a little slumber, 
a little folding of the hands to rest— and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.

This is so true, isn’t it?! I don’t have a problem with expressing publicly my struggle, because I KNOW that I am not the only one. Procrastination is the Enemy’s best tool against the Kingdom of God!

My girlfriend told me tonight, “Emma we have so much to do! We need to do it!”

She is so right. We all have a call, a commission, a purpose, and what are we doing to fulfill it? I know for me, I am sitting on the edge, on the precipice of selling out to a call I don’t yet understand, and instead of just pushing through… I sleep.

I just had a little flashback of a journal I used to write in. The cover had this verse written across it –

Awake, you who sleep
- Arise from the dead,
And Christ will give you light. See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time.

(Ephesians 5:14-16)

I think this reminds me that I have been here before, in the land of slumber.

He is calling me, so specifically, to wake up and make up for lost time.

On the one-year anniversary of my time here in Yuma I didn’t even have the energy to write. I felt that in my heart I knew I had accomplished much here, but at the same time I am in a place where I feel completely stagnant.

It started when I made the choice, in faith, to quit my job. I knew that that was the right thing to do, but in the process of believing for the new job, I became overwhelmed and gave in to the sleep of unbelief.

But the kingdom belongs to me! More flashbacks in my spirit of my childhood, adult bible study sit ins for so many hours have saturated my heart and spirit in the word of God.

“the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force”

Matthew 11:12

That verse puzzled me as a kid, but I understand it more than ever right now. Sure, a lot of Christianity is counterintuitive. We are called to be meek, not to fight back, not to return wrong for wrong… But meekness is not weakness. He actually commands us to put on ARMOUR. We are not required to put on a full suit of armor just to sit around and meditate on the word. We are also called into action. The only enemy we are called to fight against is the enemy of our souls, which is the devil himself. When the Kingdom, God’s Kingdom, your life, is attacked, we are called to become violent and fight for our rights!

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:12

I am recognizing that I have the blood of Christ over my heart and life. I have the mark of redemption on my head, and the call of the Father on me. His Spirit is alive in me, and I am on the pathway to Heaven. Because of the Light I carry I am a threat to the Kingdom of Darkness. I will not allow darkness to come over my life another day. I will not allow the sleeplike apathy to control me another day.

The enemy comes to steal anything he can, and because he can’t have my soul, he has been stealing time from me. We are told to rebuke him, and he has to flee!

It is so incredible being on this side of the battle-- to be wearing the impenetrable  armor of  the Warrior of Heaven, to be promised victory on every count, to know that in fact, the battle is already won!

So it’s time to get up. Off the couch. Out of bed. Turn off the tv. Put down the phone. The violent… take it by force….

<3 Emma 

letter to the world

Dear Everyone,

Everyone really feels the same way. Everyone is searching for a familiar face, a place to call home, and a group to belong.  We all are desperate for a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold us. You’re not the only one who wants to feel significant, like the world can’t do without the light emanating from your life. Yes, you are ten feet tall, and you can do anything you want! We all want to be the center of someone’s world, to know that we are gravity to another human being. . . Yes, it is all about meaning. We want to feel like someone would pay up on a billion dollar ransom for us, that someone would travel the world over in search of us, that someone would give up their life in our place. It’s true. We all need to believe that we are not small… that we are not just a tiny speck of a person in a population to vast to count. None of us want to feel like a number or a stereotype. We want to feel like our value is immeasurable and unparalleled. We all want to be fought for, to be pursued…. We all want to matter. In our human minds truly the most miserable place we can find ourselves is alone. That feeling of isolation is the coldest feeling a soul can experience. The feeling that if you were to fade out and disappear that no one would know the difference, that none of your words and thoughts would be missed… that the glass of someone else’s life wouldn’t feel less full if you were

 gone. . .  that feeling is unbearable. You know what I mean, don’t you?

You can’t deny these things… Yet you participate in making others around you feel alone. You don’t look past your own search for significance to realize that you have isolated another needy soul. In your own pursuit of purpose you have forgotten that to be significant you have to mean something to others. And to mean something to others you have to define yourself to them. What is your definition?

Just don't forget to remember how things really  are, and what really matters. If we can't be good to the people God has placed in our path, than who will be? 

Love, 

Everyone 

4.7.12

1:07 AM

Okay so I spent my afternoon baking cupcakes. . . 

Celebration cupcakes for my last shifts at work. . .

I don't feel like celebrating at all right now. 

I feel completely terrified. Stepping out in faith is 

absolutely terrifying... I quit my job believing God has something better, 

something more for me to do. . . And now as I've stepped off a ledge I am 

just praying and praying that my foot will land on solid ground and

everything will be okay. 

SO the things I do know. . . 

I am His child. I am chosen, I am redeemed, I am called out for a purpose, 

and my life is hidden in His. 

I am completely confident in Him, in His strength, and in His promises for my life.

His plans for me are for good, to prosper me and to bless me.

No matter how many applications I send out, how many interviews I go to, none of those things matter, 

He has my job lined up for me already. I know this. He is so GOOD. 

So I'm celebrating a God who is good, who knows best, and who has my destiny in the palm of His hand. 

Praise You Jesus!! 

4.3.12

1:49 PM

its finally lunchtime. i feel like as always my life is just going passing me 

by and even though i'm living it, i'm also some how missing it. . .

so today i'm not going to eat while driving somewhere, i'm going to sit 

and just take a minute. 

so i quit my job. almost an entire year of serving at OG and i put in my two weeks. 

i felt so GOOD about it when i did it because i believed

 that Heaven was behind my decision. 

the workplace anxiety was coming home with me day after day

my house was always a constant disaster and i felt trapped in a way. 

so i just said, "God I KNOW you have GOOD things for me. . . ." and 

i quit without a back up plan. 

but then again, who needs a back up plan when your first plan is to trust in God? 

but here's whats fresh in my mind and heart at this very moment  - 

transparency of heart and life

trans·par·ent

\tran(t)s-ˈper-ənt\

a (1) : having the property of transmitting light without appreciable scattering so that bodies lying beyond are seen clearly : pellucid (2) : allowing the passage of a specified form of radiation (as X-rays or ultraviolet light)b : fine or sheer enough to be seen through : diaphanous a : free from pretense or deceit : frank b : easily detected or seen through : obvious

c : readily understood

i don't have a whole lot on the thought in my brain right now. its just because

the concept of transparency suggests that either you have nothing to hide or

that you just don't care if your hidden things come to light. . .

neither of those apply to me. 

i like to keep my darkness in the dark and my light out in the light

but in doing that i put up curtains and blinds on the windows of not only my life,

but my soul. i continue to have areas, rooms in my heart, where i keep the 

curtains closed and keep the Light out... 

i'm leaving this an incomplete thought today because i need some time to consider 

what it is a transparent life looks like.