5.30.11

It occurred to me today that I have just reached the two month mark on living here in Arizona. How much has changed in my life in two months!

I was actually describing it to my friend earlier today as someone who is extremely obese and decides to change their lifestyle, dieting and exercising everyday. For these giant people this lifestyle change is insane- they can drop weight at such a rapid pace because they have so much extra to lose. I feel that that is exactly what I've been experiencing. Just everything has changed.

Every day I think things and immediately God speaks so sweetly to my heart "Emma, that isn't for you anymore" and then I let it go. He has been gently persuading me to lay my baggage down, piece by piece. I feel like I've been living in my Faith like someone who is only there to stay for a little while. I've been holding onto my luggage and suitcases looking around anxiously. God is being so patient as He tells me, "Live in My Love, Emma." The more of these things I carry that I am able to drop at His feet, item by item, issue by issue, the more freedom I find in my life. I dropped off a bag that was tagged, "self-condemnation" several weeks ago, and I realized I didnt need to punish myself for things God had already forgiven.

The more of these weighty, negative burdens I release to him the more at home I feel in my Faith. I can see that actually we create our own distance between ourselves and God. I have been holding my issues close to myself, almost treasuring them because they are all I've known for so long. But the thing I have learned is that that idea of being miserable is SOOO not from the Father. Keeping my wrongdoings in the forefront of my mind and heart is actually like and insult to Him, since His mission was to bring forgiveness into my heart.

So, lay your burden's down.

But, now here, entering the third month of this adventure God has set me on, I am finding out that once you get moved in, when you give your heavy burdens to God, that isn't like a final step. Actually, it's just an initial one.

"Emma,do you trust Me?"

I want so badly to say when He asked me that I said, "Oh yes God, I totally trust You, I know that You ways are the best, and I'll do whatever You ask..." Hell no, I did not say that. I said, God, I really like the way You give Your love to me, and show me how much you value me, but I don't know if I believe You are enough for me.
Can God answer the phone when I'm lonely and crying at night and tell me that I am strong enough to keep going? Can God text me and tell me that He is proud of me? Can He hold me when I'm crying?

See, all the skeptics see where I'm coming from, and those of you who are thinking, yes, God is our Comforter in times of trouble. I'm just shaking my head at you, because I know that we are human and when someone hurts you, or lets you down, or breaks your heart you do not say, "Praise God! This is great, He must have something better in store for my life!" No. Don't even try to say that is how you live.

Actually lately I just feel angry. I want to know why God is taking away things that I want in my life. It doesn't seem fair. But the pastor at the church God gave me in Yuma constantly talks about momentum in our lives. We are called to be moving forward. Invest more, sow more, reap more, harvest more. . . It is about movement. I honestly feel I've done enough damn moving for a long time. But I guess God know's I'm getting to comfortable, and once you get comfortable, you turn out like someone who's in a long term relationship- you let yourself go. That six-pack you had when we met, where did it go??

Christianity isn't about comfort, it's about growth.

The Message Bible explains what I'm talking about so well,

John 15:1-4
"I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.
Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me."

It's about moving forward. It makes me so angry that God has to look into my life and heart and identify the places and things that are no longer helpful, that are no longer propelling my life forward. It makes me angry that when He points them out to me that I say, "Okay, I can see where you think that God, but probably if I just work harder on it then it'll get better, you'll see!" He is just shaking His head at me. What's dead is dead, you can't bring it back to life, the time for that is past.

But here is where the walk gets painful. He is so sweet with us, letting us know the areas of our life where we need to TRUST HIM, but we are so stubborn. So while He doesn't force us, He begins to allow things to happen in our life that begin that "pruning" process. That shit HURTS. It hurts SO bad to have parts of us cut off and changed. I told God even today, "I needed that!! I needed that part of myself! It is important, I can't get by without it!!"

It is a refining process. Just like gold is processed at extreme temperatures, so are quality people. The people who have felt the most heat, the most pressure, the most pain, are the ones that have the opportunity to have the most genuine character. I think we all like the idea of knowing that eventually, if we trust God we will become that person of great faith, of great integrity, of strong character. That person that we see and that we strive towards. Who doesn't want to be the best person they can be, or more?

It's just like working out though. To get to that weight goal you have, to get to that level of fitness you want to achieve you have to put in time, work, sweat and maybe tears. Nothing in this life worth having comes easily...

I still have no freaking idea where my life is going, but I am asking God to give me some faith and patience right now. That somehow He will remind me that He is in control and that this is for a purpose.

4.4.11

Today was an excellent day.

I gave in and went to lunch with a new friend from church. I’ve been really stubborn about the amount of myself I am willing to let others get to know. Because this move has been my fresh start, my new chance. . . I want people to get to know me without any history. So somehow that translated to just not making friends. . . But I learned today that it’s where you came from that makes you who you are, and that you have nothing to be ashamed of when you are walking in your new life.

I felt that for the first time, in actually years, I felt like the person I actually am.

I always have a million thoughts to write. When I actually take the time to think, it’s a lot of thinking, and a lot of writing. But today, my mind feels so entirely empty, my heart is at peace and I have this sense of security that I can’t explain.

http://www.championchurch.org/
God sent me to this church, for a reason and the theme of LOVE that they emphasize has absolutely changed me.


One of the wonderful people I have met told me that the only thing that she could tell me right now to do is to listen to this, over and over.


I cried tonight from a very broken heart. Not because I'm a baby or because I'm emotional, but because I'm broken. The same girl who told me to listen to "Inheritance" told me tonight . . . You are allowed to feel the way you feel. Absolutely liberating to me. Tonight, I'm recognizing the hurt, and I'm asking for the healing.

Amen.