Work has been a challenge, not because serving pasta is super hard, it's not really. But because I tend to always be in trouble. Not sure why I'm the target of my manager's loathing but apparently I don't take my job seriously and occasionally I don't smile properly. Moving on. I went home to visit. Had some incredible times, and some that made me want to run at top speeds back to Yuma, which has somehow become synonomous with my haven of safety. Funny. But yeah, I came home no worse for wear, but with a new tattoo on my left arm. I'll get to that later.
So yeah. I'm back, I'm working 40 hours a week, trying to make money to pay off my credit card and such, and it hits me suddenly. I'm still here. I still have no clue what's next. I feel like God is being entirely silent in my life. So thus ensues a giant pity party that involves many pints of Ciao Bella gelato (key lime graham- its incredible okay?) and many many episodes of Ally McBeal (my Mom cheated me out of any experience I could have had with the 90's). So yeah. I have done quite a bit of being angry and sitting still lately.
But then, I bought this cute spiral notebook a few weeks ago, and I know this is a little dumb, but is there not something incredible and fresh about new paper? Yes, I have a notebook problem. Whatever. I have been writing again, and if you read my blogs you find that in writing I find God. We all have our ways to worship, to seek and to search, but for me it's absolutely through the written word.
So yeah, this new tattoo says simply "loved".
You know I've listened to lil wayne's "how to love" almost one hundred times and it sort of haunts me. Sure he isn't exactly the example of a model citizen or even a remotely respectable person but the song definitely resonates with me. Maybe its because I feel that we are all pursuing love in some way. In fact, I think love is the most sought after thing, aside from money I'm sure, in this world. I feel like when Mr. Carter says "See you had a lot of crooks try to steal your heart" it makes sense. Because he uses the word STEAL.
I am finding that a love encounter with God is unlike all of the loves I have sought after and given to that have left me broken. The difference is so simple. Our God is a giver. His love never seeks to take from us. His love for us is not based on whether we reciprocate it or not. His love for each of us has existed before there even was existence. The loves of this world TAKE from us. Those who do not understand that love is sacrifice don't understand that love gives the best gifts, wants the best things and in honor prefers the object of that love before its self.
We've all been to weddings and heart 1 Corinthians 13 read, whether the ones getting married knew about God's love or not... We all see this passage as a model, as an example of the love we want to give and receive. I was reading it today and I realized that we believe God is love. . . And this passage describes Him. I have read it and have been overwhelmed. Oh the perfect love of my God. He hasn't given up on me. He isn't angry when I wrong Him, when I wrong myself and when I doubt. He cares more about me than I do myself, He cared enough to prefer my soul and my eternity above the comfort of His only Son. He is a patient God, slow to anger, quick to love, willing to forgive and forget our sins. He doesn't count our offenses throughout the day, or even throughout our lives. With repentence he wipes our record clean! His love looks for our best! He sees the best things and He thinks, "I want that for my child". It's incredible.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
I get so in awe when I think for a moment of a love that never ends. That cannot be measured, that cannot be fathomed. We can not travel out of God's love, it is so vast. Everything that that person who you loved who broke you and jaded you and made you feel like love was a lie, everything they took, everything they did wrong, you know what I'm talking about- I want you to know this-
You can use those hurts and remember that God is the opposite of those things.
If they were ungrateful when you gave of yourself remember that He delights in you, and when you come into His presence he rejoices.
If they made you feel like you were insignificant, and could be easily replaced, remember that He formed you in your mother's womb to be the incredible, irreplacable person that you are and that He chose you for something specific. You are not a cheap creation, your value as a Child of God's is incredible.
If they made you feel small, if they made you feel weak know that when you are loved by God you are mighty, you have all the power of heaven behind you as a Child of God. You are mighty.
If they made you feel like you were undesirable know this- He longs for you. He seeks after you, He sees you as His Beloved and He wants to hold you close. I am loved.
I am loved so completely and so powerfully that it shows me that no earthly thing can compare to love on this scale.
Ephesians 3.14-21 My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
All I have right now are the promises God has given me, and I know that to live by Faith in the Promises of a God who never lies is a very secure place to be. In His love we find healing, we find joy, we find life. He is the source of all things that are good. He is the sustainer, the provider, the strengthener of our faith. I have spent so many nights crying out in loneliness, saying to Him "why??" and He never tells me those whys. . . That's super irritating but I know the reason is because He has given me quite enough already.
I wrote a few weeks ago in the notebook I mentioned earlier "when you seek desire rather than love. . . you chase the wind, you find yourself short of breath and empty handed... when you try to find a grasp on something made of sand it sifts through your hands, these pursuits leave you broken. . . but what does it mean to singlemindedly pursue God?"
And that is the question I am ending with not because I'm trying to make anyone think, but because it's the one that is weighing on my heart right now. He says, ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened. . .
Why is it that we can chase down love that we know will be a moment of satisfaction but will leave us empty handed, we follow after desire and we know we will be disapointed when the fire dies out. . . (I say we meaning me, but I started with this plural thing a few paragraph backs and I hate to switch up my flow you know what I'm sayin?) All I'm saying is His love is a GUARANTEE. I am so tired of emptiness.
I want to have that love encounter. I want to be overwhelmed by a Love I can only try to describe with words. . . Love you all, emma
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