3.13.11

(Enough is Enough)

Someone wrote “get money” in sharpie on my right arm, and when I look at it I feel like I should be in an “above the influence” commercial. I’m listening to “Sade Radio” on Pandora, and watching the little red light in the corner of my Blackberry light up. Why would I pick it up?

I’m looking at my mother’s bookshelf, full of Bibles, Bible concordances, devotionals and books on how to love Jesus more. Maybe I should read one of them? But I’m not really sure that 100 books could fill this void.
Do you ever have one of those quiet moments where you wonder to yourself, where the heck is my life headed? I look at my phone, “quickie?” That was a worthwhile text to send, I’d have to say. No, but really, sometimes I wonder what my destiny is, and how it is achieved.

Going to this small school in the middle of nowhere where a dirty, smoky basement is the entirety of the nightlife offered isn’t making me feel fulfilled.
On the other hand, I work in a first year dorm where I feel that I have faced several of my fears, and grown stronger as an individual. I’ve accomplished goals I’ve had, and I find fulfillment in building community and relationships with the residents of my building. But tell me why it was pouring down rain the other night and I found myself sitting on a railroad bridge looking at a flooding river?

I’m not someone you’d see as unstable. The one person who knows me best would probably, definitely, disagree. But, I mean, my residents would tell you I’m consistently the happiest person they know, I mean I practice stepping in the hall a lot, flash them from my doorway, and in general create noise disturbances constantly. And honestly I am a happy girl.

I think we all have things that hold us back. People, circumstances, mindsets. . . There are so many things that can weigh us down, think about it. . . What is that thing that’s keeping you from maximizing your potential as an individual? Maybe it’s that you don’t realize you have limitless potential? Oh my gosh, Janet Jackson just came on Pandora.

But where was I going with this. Yeah, now I remember. I was about to try and justify myself to the world real quick. Okay, that was a joke.
I have this belief that no one deserves an explanation for who I am, what I do, and what I’ve done. At the same time, I hear things said about myself that make me want to just make a public announcement for everyone to “eff off” and try and withhold judgment because they don’t understand me or know me.

I’m not doing it. It’s so worthless, because if I were to sit here and type out the traumas I’ve experienced and tell what I’ve overcome through much counseling and personal effort no one would care about that. They would just have more information on me to misconstrue. So, no thanks…

Why does God let bad things happen to good people? That’s a question leftover from a 3AM talk that went on in my dorm room just a few days ago. It’s been playing through my mind almost constantly. I don’t have an answer. I said with confidence that night, “to build their character”, but today I wonder if I believe that.
Really that question was totally random, probably I could edit it out of this blog, but maybe someone else wants to think about it way too hard too. . .

I’m actually so ADD that I might have to pay my brother $20 to get some adderall to finish this blog. Kidding of course, I wouldn’t do that. Just like my mom wouldn’t straight out tell the Doctor that she had me take Seth’s pills either, right?
I don’t think the point of me writing tonight was to be like, “guys stop talking about me before I have to join an organization so I have allies” . . . I think it was to say that through the ups and downs that life has been giving me, and all of us I’m sure. . . Moving forward is possible.

I hear every day about how incredibly trashy I am, but I’m done letting that effect the way I view myself. I know who I am. I know where I’ve been, where I am currently, and that I’m going places in this life. I have the capability within me to do anything I put my mind to, and the kind of faith that can move mountains.
You can devalue me with your words and your actions, but you won’t know my true worth.

And now I think I see why my education professor told me to stop being so wordy and get to the point. . . maybe I deserved that D. . .

The point is I’m finally putting my middle finger up to those who need it, putting my foot down, and setting my mind on the fact that people don’t determine your worth, value comes from within yourself. And believe me, you can’t afford who I am.

Love, Emma