But after that useless rant, I will continue with what I was actually thinking of that I wanted to write about. Although this is a blog that I write about me. . . I really can say whatever I want I guess. . .
Back to relevant points!
I went to Mexico! Haha, really though, that's partially what I want to write about here.
I left on January 11th, which was also my big and exciting 22nd birthday! I arrived in Cancun and I can't tell you how incredible it was to see my dad standing there, tshirt tucked into jeans, wearing a straw hat with a flower ribbon around it. I saw him with his folded Washington Post doing a Suduko and I definitely started crying. I missed my daddy so much! He is SUCH a character and I love him and have never been more proud to be his daughter then on this trip! And of course my brother was there and I was SO blessed to see him.
(We were there to build a church. Totally incredible experience, that I want to blog about at a later time. I really really want to actually dedicate a post to what we did there, because it truly was impacting, worthwhile and life changing for me. But I want to write about something that God did inside of me during this trip.)
So I've been really angry lately. Just super
Here is the product of that talk...
Anger - - - I identified the fact that I am incredibly angry. So out of character for me. Things that make me angry--
-lazy people
-losing money because lazy people don't contribute at work
-being bossed around by lazy people
-being patronized
-being insulted by someone who i find to be stupid
-being mocked by someone who has little going for them in life
-idiots
-ghetto people talking down to me
SEE!! I am totally embarrassed to put that list out there! I was shocked at the things that came out of me when we started getting into this. So I was angry. Now the question is WHY?!
I had a couple reasons that I came up with.
I feel that I'm smarter and better than people.
I think that I work harder than others and want recognition.
I feel that noone has the right to tell me what to do, or to disrespect me.
I HATE feeling disrespected.
Basically what I'm getting to is that somewhere along the way I have accumulated a large, and rather unhealthy ego. I thought about how broken and worthless I had felt even 6 months ago. God has been so good to me, pouring out healing and blessing and favor on my life. However, at some point in this journey I began to feel like I DESERVED God's favor. YES, as His children we are, thru Christ, deserving of His love, but it isn't because of ANYTHING we do!
So yeah. My huge ego wasn't enjoying being trampled on my others constantly. But still, I asked God, show me more! It's such an incredible mix of painful and exciting when God is illuminating parts of yourself that have got to change.
It just hit me suddenly right then. . . . All of the things that made me angry were a result of the fact that I felt someone was imposing on MY RIGHTS. I remember sitting in a seminar with my Mom as a kid. "You don't have rights when you are living your life for Christ. When you follow Him you surrender your rights, and you no longer own or possess them!" I don't think it ever made sense to me until last week.
Christianity is about humility. I have long mistaken humility for low self-esteem. Humility isn't having a low opinion of yourself, it is having a secure sense of your worth in Christ and not needing affirmation from man. So incredible! You can know your own talents, strengths and gifts and still be humble! Humility is giving up your personal rights and understanding that life is about giving to others first.
I thought about Jesus. He was... Well He was God. How else do you explain it?! To say that He was better, above, superior, more excellent, more worthy than anyone He came into contact with here on earth is a joke! We all know that! I then think about the many instances in scripture where He allowed others to talk down to Him, mock Him, lie about Him. . . And He never had anything to say in return. Why would He need to!??!? He already knew He was the Savior of mankind! But beyond that, Jesus left HEAVEN to be here, for what?! To serve. But most of all, to die.
He made himself of no esteem, for us. The One to Who all power, praise, honor and glory are due came to earth to be a Servant.
Amazing. I have never felt so corrected and so loved all at once. I remembered when i first started my job serving. My dad told me this... "You are going to work there until you understand what it truly meas to be a servant." I said oookay dad, whatever. But now I understand what he means. He means that when someone asks me for something for the 123112th time instead of cursing them under my breath I need to bless them and refill their diet coke AGAIN. It means refusing to be angry when I do extra work. It means learning to love others in a way that prefers them above myself.
I had forgotten completely what it means to be a servant of others. To be a servant is God's highest calling. He says, "to be first in My kingdom, learn to be a servant of all". Ahhh!! I am so excited just writing all of this!
Why am I so happy?!
- I have spent the last year asking God to help me make lifestyle, behavior changes, the fact that I am finally at a place in my journey where He is beginning to change my heart is exciting!
-I am excited because I know that the Bible says "from glory to glory He's changing me" our walk is about change, progress and growth
-I finally can stop being angry all the time! I had felt that there was a ceiling between me and God blocking His presence from my life. Obviously He is always present, but because of my anger I was never able to quiet my heart enough to hear His voice
I realize this is incredibly long... But it is honestly just a tiny, tiny piece of what God has done in my life in the past weeks. I am finding myself in this incredible place. A place where my heart is desperate for MORE of Him. I am so aware that He has everything I need, that nothing I could desire compares to the riches He has in store for me. I'm begging Him to show me more, challenge me more, change me more. . . But most of all my prayer is this - Lord prepare me.
<3 Emma
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