4.28.11

Almost an entire month of living in Arizona and this is currently the biggest thing I've worked out for myself.


All I really want is to feel love. I don’t particularly mean “loved” by people or a person, but actually to feel love. I want to feel that unconditional acceptance and patience more than anything else in my life. Sure that’s something I’m looking for from people, I want the people who I value to love me and to approve of and accept me no matter what I do. I want that from God. I want to know that it is true that He can look beyond my imperfections, mistakes and failures and see me as something of worth.

But I’d say really, most of all, I want to love myself. I want to get to the place where I am not wary of looking at myself in a mirror because I know I still don’t care for the person I see.

I’ve been sitting here in the middle of the damn desert for almost a month now trying to figure out at what point I began to stop loving and respecting myself. It’s funny how there is a correlation between when I began to stop valuing my faith and my relationship with God and when I stopped loving myself.

The question I am trying to answer for myself right now is this- What defines my worth?

I don’t know if that’s something that anyone else struggles with, maybe not because I know, whether it’s apparent or not, I’m a big over thinker. But seriously, where does our worth as individuals come from?

I told my dad when he was here last weekend that I haven’t figured out what I want to do with my life, but I can tell him a lot of things I sure don’t want to include. That’s kind of the way I’ve felt everything has been going for me, the only forward progress I’ve made is through reflection. They say you have to know the past to understand the present, and as a former history major I definitely believe that statement. The point of studying history is not only to learn heritage, but to look at the patterns that humanity have followed, and will continue to follow. That’s a little bit lengthy, but where I was going with that was this- I can tell you all of the places I’ve looked for worth in the past, and I can tell you they left me empty.

I used to take pride in the fact that I’m a smart girl; I found my worth in the fact that I could achieve good grades with minimal work. I used to be prideful of the fact that I worked really hard and was able to be very independent of others. I have looked for my worth in the value that others placed on me. But what I found was that, except for the few genuine people the Lord has blessed me with, people don’t take the time to value others. For some people I was just someone to laugh at when I got drunk, to guys I was just another girl to have sex with and not bother with apart from that. To my mom I was just another disappointment. All of the places I was going to find value were complete dead ends. Literally before I moved I was feeling all of these sources drying up, and I could feel myself wondering who I was, apart from the things I was doing in my life.

So, I just quit everything at once. Some people told me I was absolutely insane for walking away in the middle of a semester. Sure, I don’t disagree. I wasted a pretty good deal of money, but to me it’s okay. I think some sort of self-preservation instinct kicked in finally, along with the reason and support of those closest in my life that got me to the Registrar’s office with my withdraw forms.

What is the point of life if you feel like a complete stranger in your own world?

So here I have none of the things that once defined me. I don’t have a job yet, I’m not taking classes yet, I don’t have friends here yet. . . I don’t have anything other than myself and about 20 books that people keep sending my way to try to give me some insight into I guess “fixing” my own life. Definitely this has been a super humbling time for me, but I feel that I’m getting to experience firsthand one of the strongest principles of Christianity.

It’s all about the surrender. It’s about recognizing that in myself there is NOTHING good. Ask my most recent ex, he’ll tell you I am truly a terrible person, and shit, I won’t argue that. But the good thing is, there are no expectations of perfection from my God. In fact, it’s the opposite, it’s admitting that actually, as human’s, we are worthlessly sinful, and need a Savior.

That’s actually not a huge confidence booster I guess, but it’s definitely a weight off of my shoulders, knowing I don’t need to be perfect. But here’s where I am finding my worth. . . (Almost 1,000 words later I am getting to my main point. . . )

I am overwhelmed when I realize that despite of myself, despite the fact that I have constantly made mistakes and poor choices God still finds worth in me. The verse that says, “who is man that You are mindful of them?” resonates in me. Who am I that God, the one who is over ALL has found significance in me to take the time to show me His love? That I was worth the effort to “rescue” means the world to me.

I haven’t really worked it all out yet, but I do see that the sacrifice Christ made on the cross is truly the Source of my value as a Christian, and also as a person. If I was worth that sacrifice, then there is NO way God is going to leave me stranded out here in the desert without answers.

So, my by process of elimination I know the things that I don;t want to define me. I do know that being loved is what validates us as individuals, and I am so blessed to have found a Perfect Love to keep me and carry me through.