4.8.11

It’s not that I hate the desert. . . It’s really not. . . I think that in my week as an Arizona resident I’ve learned a good deal. Although my days have really just been waking up, playing with my niece, laying out at the pool, eating the food my sister gives me, since I’m on a strict diet, and running every day I feel like it’s been so much more. Sure, I spent the entire first 3 days in bed watching Netflix, and sure, I’ve had my moments wondering why the hell I’m out here . . . but right at this moment it is so clear to me that God truly has a purpose for this huge change in my life.


I don’t have a clue what is next for me. I didn’t when I left. I know that there are moments when I am terrified. I’ve always had a plan, and when I wasn’t sure, I put a plan together so I could motivate myself. I just left two jobs, school and some people who I love very much. And, when I’m at the park every day running, all that’s going through my mind is WHY? Why are you here? Did you act to impulsively?
Then finally, I picked up a book called, “What Good is God?” by Phillip Yancey two days ago. I haven’t nearly finished it, but even in the first chapters of reading I found myself asking questions. Why does God allow us to go through times of trial? Why haven’t I felt like He was present in my life over the past few years? Why has my life entirely fallen apart? I found myself asking questions openly and honestly for the first time in a long time.


Sometimes our life can be deteriorating little by little and we don’t realize it because we have our days filled so full we have to manage our minutes. My mom told me I was doing too much this semester when I took a position as an RA in addition to 25-28 hours at Rite Aid every week. And then of course I was taking 18 credits. And I have friends and try to be social. . . She was probably right but the reality was as the huge void I was feeling got bigger and bigger I needed to be busier and busier in order to cope.


It’s really scary to finally get to the point when you realize you can’t do it anymore. I think the most terrifying thing for me in life is to admit I can’t do something. I couldn’t keep pushing myself when nothing inside of me wanted to go forward. I didn’t want to work in the pharmacy anymore after three years, I didn’t want to be an education major and I didn’t want to be at Shepherd where I felt that the environment was becoming more and more toxic for me. The only real tie I had left was my job as an RA- I love my Gardiner residents and coworkers so very much.


But somehow I made my choice and here I am. I can honestly say this is the biggest “leap of faith” I’ve ever taken, and I have no idea what’s to become of it. But I am fully trusting that God has a plan for my life, and that I am going to figure things out.

<3 Emma