4.7.12

1:07 AM

Okay so I spent my afternoon baking cupcakes. . . 

Celebration cupcakes for my last shifts at work. . .

I don't feel like celebrating at all right now. 

I feel completely terrified. Stepping out in faith is 

absolutely terrifying... I quit my job believing God has something better, 

something more for me to do. . . And now as I've stepped off a ledge I am 

just praying and praying that my foot will land on solid ground and

everything will be okay. 

SO the things I do know. . . 

I am His child. I am chosen, I am redeemed, I am called out for a purpose, 

and my life is hidden in His. 

I am completely confident in Him, in His strength, and in His promises for my life.

His plans for me are for good, to prosper me and to bless me.

No matter how many applications I send out, how many interviews I go to, none of those things matter, 

He has my job lined up for me already. I know this. He is so GOOD. 

So I'm celebrating a God who is good, who knows best, and who has my destiny in the palm of His hand. 

Praise You Jesus!! 

4.3.12

1:49 PM

its finally lunchtime. i feel like as always my life is just going passing me 

by and even though i'm living it, i'm also some how missing it. . .

so today i'm not going to eat while driving somewhere, i'm going to sit 

and just take a minute. 

so i quit my job. almost an entire year of serving at OG and i put in my two weeks. 

i felt so GOOD about it when i did it because i believed

 that Heaven was behind my decision. 

the workplace anxiety was coming home with me day after day

my house was always a constant disaster and i felt trapped in a way. 

so i just said, "God I KNOW you have GOOD things for me. . . ." and 

i quit without a back up plan. 

but then again, who needs a back up plan when your first plan is to trust in God? 

but here's whats fresh in my mind and heart at this very moment  - 

transparency of heart and life

trans·par·ent

\tran(t)s-ˈper-ənt\

a (1) : having the property of transmitting light without appreciable scattering so that bodies lying beyond are seen clearly : pellucid (2) : allowing the passage of a specified form of radiation (as X-rays or ultraviolet light)b : fine or sheer enough to be seen through : diaphanous a : free from pretense or deceit : frank b : easily detected or seen through : obvious

c : readily understood

i don't have a whole lot on the thought in my brain right now. its just because

the concept of transparency suggests that either you have nothing to hide or

that you just don't care if your hidden things come to light. . .

neither of those apply to me. 

i like to keep my darkness in the dark and my light out in the light

but in doing that i put up curtains and blinds on the windows of not only my life,

but my soul. i continue to have areas, rooms in my heart, where i keep the 

curtains closed and keep the Light out... 

i'm leaving this an incomplete thought today because i need some time to consider 

what it is a transparent life looks like. 

3.29.12

               

"the fact is, i feel that life is beautiful, even when it's really ugly

i see art in ruins and i see healing when i see pain

i see potential in every human soul

we are all capable of evil

but we are also

capable of

love"

3.21.12

I trust You and I believe You. I trust that you are the Creator of my life, that You are the author of my faith, that You are who You say You are, and I am who You say I am. I trust that Your love for me is unconditional, that Your mercy is endless, and that Your promises towards me are true. I believe that when You speak it will be done. I believe that Your ways are not our ways, and that I can not trust my own heart, but follow after Yours. I believe that You have gone before me, but are also ever present in my life. I am confident that You are my portion, that nothing else in the world compares to the riches You have in glory for those who love You. I believe that Your provide for those who place their trust in You, that You honor those who honor You. I believe that You are Just, that you look at the broken state of humanity and Your heart aches to restore it. I know these things. You are Goodness, You are Love, You are Peace, You are Hope. You are Everything. I believe that without You there is no meaning, because You are the Creator of destinies. I believe that You never leave us or forsake us, but that we build walls in between us. We place sin and disobedience in between God and ourselves, and we refuse to believe that You are willing to continue loving, no matter what. We create distance where there is none. You have said that there is nowhere we can escape from Your presence, not the heights of heaven, or the depths of hell. Wherever we go, You are also there. You are patient when we are stubborn, You are willing to wait until we realize that true freedom comes in complete submission. You created freewill so that the hearts of men could choose to love You. You have given us a choice of who we will serve, but have told us that when we serve You, we will have a yoke that is easy and a burden that is Light. You provide Living Water for the thirsty, Peace like a River for the restless, You are the Bread of Life to the hungry, You are Renewed Strength to the weary, You are Healing to the broken, You are Deliverance for the captive, You are Love to the least of these.

You are Jesus. I trust You and I believe You.

2.12.12 [quiet]

2.12.12

its so quiet in my apartment my heart beat sounds like a drum. sometimes i forget what the sound is and think my neighbor needs to turn down the bass. then i remember it's just me here. i'm new to this quiet thing. i've been avoiding silence for years. we all do it. we can't just sit still. we get busy. we text. we watch tv. we listen to music. we call a friend. we can't just be quiet.

i've been running from my thoughts for so long. when it's quiet i get lost in them, exploring them, dissecting them, replaying them. . . it's amazing the things we keep inside of our hearts, pushed to the back corners, swept under rugs, hidden in closets. we turn up the volume, speed up the activity and we can almost completely ignore them crying to be released.

so many memories to sort through, so many guilt's to face, to release, to forgive to forget. being alone is scary, but being quiet is deadly. in the last four days i have run at top speeds from the quiet. because when i let my heart be still, i can hear my Lord's voice so clear.

it's a voice of tender love with a tone of compassion. it's forgiveness and its freedom. it's truth and it's light. it is transforming and it's uplifting. at the name of Jesus, at His command chains are broken and bondage is ended, captives are freed and deliverance is arrived!

but we hide from it. we hide from the Light that will search our hearts and try us, that will know our ways and that will bring our darknesses into broad daylight. the enemy keeps our hearts troubled, overwhelmed by the cares of tomorrow,  keeps us doubting God's ability to provide, keeps us occupied with people and with routine. . . because He knows that in the stillness Jesus will meet us.

Be Still and Know that I am God.

Yes.. Shhhhhhhhh. Quiet my heart. Listen, just listen.

<3 Emma

2.8.12

How do we discern between opposition from the enemy and from God closing doors? When we can't get peace how do we know what the cause is?! When we pray and we feel like the heaven's are closed up, how do we get them to reopen? How do we know if where we are is the right place? What tells us we have outstayed our welcome somewhere, and it's time to move on? If the promises are  to find rest, to be able to lay our burdens down, why does life feel so heavy? How do we lay them down? How do we get into that place, hidden in the hollow of His hand??! What do you do when you feel like you live in a small world that's swallowing you whole? How do you break out of that and live in the vastness of His grace? Is there ever a time when life isn't overwhelming? Is this restlessness in my soul the Call of God, or my inability to sit and be still.

Oh God, how do I find You?! How can I let my heart be quiet enough to hear Your still small voice calling to me?

<3

1.29.12

[So, instead of doing my math homework, which is sitting beside me just staring angrily in my face, I find myself here, typing a blog instead. I really hate math. Usually when it's math time I do things like: wash dishes, bake lemon bars, fold laundry, scrub floors, pick up trash outside, write actual letters, make a smoothie, make a second smoothie, call my mom, take a nap.So, if you haven't gotten the idea yet, math is absolutely the most intimidating, frustrating and miserable thing I can think of in life. . . ]

But after that useless rant, I will continue with what I was actually thinking of that I wanted to write about. Although this is a blog that I write about me. . . I really can say whatever I want I guess. . .

Back to relevant points!

I went to Mexico! Haha, really though, that's partially what I want to write about here.
I left on January 11th, which was also my big and exciting 22nd birthday! I arrived in Cancun and I can't tell you how incredible it was to see my dad standing there, tshirt tucked into jeans, wearing a straw hat with a flower ribbon around it. I saw him with his folded Washington Post doing a Suduko and I definitely started crying. I missed my daddy so much! He is SUCH a character and I love him and have never been more proud to be his daughter then on this trip! And of course my brother was there and I was SO blessed to see him.

(We were there to build a church. Totally incredible experience, that I want to blog about at a later time. I really really want to actually dedicate a post to what we did there, because it truly was impacting, worthwhile and life changing for me. But I want to write about something that God did inside of me during this trip.)

So I've been really angry lately. Just super pissed off at everything. It's been like this for me for months actually. And on this trip I found there a person who just had the ability to irritate me out of my mind! I was so miserable the first day of work! Seriously, I was thinking how am I this pissed off, and I'm building a church! Just unacceptable! Ah! So I had a WONDERFUL roommate who took time to just sit and chill, read the Word and just talk to me.

Here is the product of that talk...

Anger - - - I identified the fact that I am incredibly angry. So out of character for me. Things that make me angry--
-lazy people
-losing money because lazy people don't contribute at work
-being bossed around by lazy people
-being patronized
-being insulted by someone who i find to be stupid
-being mocked by someone who has little going for them in life
-idiots
-ghetto people talking down to me

SEE!! I am totally embarrassed to put that list out there! I was shocked at the things that came out of me when we started getting into this. So I was angry. Now the question is WHY?!

I had a couple reasons that I came up with. 

I feel that I'm smarter and better than people.
I think that I work harder than others and want recognition.
I feel that noone has the right to tell me what to do, or to disrespect me.
I HATE feeling disrespected.

Basically what I'm getting to is that somewhere along the way I have accumulated a large, and rather unhealthy ego. I thought about how broken and worthless I had felt even 6 months ago. God has been so good to me, pouring out healing and blessing and favor on my life. However, at some point in this journey I began to feel like I DESERVED God's favor. YES, as His children we are, thru Christ, deserving of His love, but it isn't because of ANYTHING we do!

So yeah. My huge ego wasn't enjoying being trampled on my others constantly. But still, I asked God, show me more! It's such an incredible mix of painful and exciting when God is illuminating parts of yourself that have got to change.

It just hit me suddenly right then. . . . All of the things that made me angry were a result of the fact that I felt someone was imposing on MY RIGHTS. I remember sitting in a seminar with my Mom as a kid. "You don't have rights when you are living your life for Christ. When you follow Him you surrender your rights, and you no longer own or possess them!" I don't think it ever made sense to me until last week.

Christianity is about humility. I have long mistaken humility for low self-esteem. Humility isn't having a low opinion of yourself, it is having a secure sense of your worth in Christ and not needing affirmation from man. So incredible! You can know your own talents, strengths and gifts and still be humble! Humility is giving up your personal rights and understanding that life is about giving to others first.

I thought about Jesus. He was... Well He was God. How else do you explain it?! To say that He was better, above, superior, more excellent, more worthy than anyone He came into contact with here on earth is a joke! We all know that! I then think about the many instances in scripture where He allowed others to talk down to Him, mock Him, lie about Him. . . And He never had anything to say in return. Why would He need to!??!? He already knew He was the Savior of mankind! But beyond that, Jesus left HEAVEN to be here, for what?! To serve. But most of all, to die.

He made himself of no esteem, for us. The One to Who all power, praise, honor and glory are due came to earth to be a Servant.

Amazing. I have never felt so corrected and so loved all at once. I remembered when i first started my job serving. My dad told me this... "You are going to work there until you understand what it truly meas to be a servant." I said oookay dad, whatever. But now I understand what he means. He means that when someone asks me for something for the 123112th time instead of cursing them under my breath I need to bless them and refill their diet coke AGAIN. It means refusing to be angry when I do extra work. It means learning to love others in a way that prefers them above myself.

I had forgotten completely what it means to be a servant of others. To be a servant is God's highest calling. He says, "to be first in My kingdom, learn to be a servant of all". Ahhh!! I am so excited just writing all of this!

Why am I so happy?!

- I have spent the last year asking God to help me make lifestyle, behavior changes, the fact that I am finally at a place in my journey where He is beginning to change my heart is exciting!
-I am excited because I know that the Bible says "from glory to glory He's changing me" our walk is about change, progress and growth
-I finally can stop being angry all the time! I had felt that there was a ceiling between me and God blocking His presence from my life. Obviously He is always present, but because of my anger I was never able to quiet my heart enough to hear His voice

I realize this is incredibly long... But it is honestly just a tiny, tiny piece of what God has done in my life in the past weeks. I am finding myself in this incredible place. A place where my heart is desperate for MORE of Him. I am so aware that He has everything I need, that nothing I could desire compares to the riches He has in store for me. I'm begging Him to show me more, challenge me more, change me more. . . But most of all my prayer is this - Lord prepare me.

<3 Emma