Short post for me today. It's been a while since I've written, and the main reason is because I've had some serious writer's block. Okay, maybe because I moved into my own apartment and don't want to pay for internet, or maybe because I lost the duct tape holding my dear laptop together. Not sure which. But I'm in the Yuma Public Library now experiencing life through the homeless people's eyes. Seriously. Dude next to me smells. I have recently considered selling my plasma twice a week for extra cash. I decided if I'm gonna live in the ghetto I need to get the full experience.
Okay, enough about that. I am actually doing fine. I have my own place, and am paying my bills on time. I work hard for everything I have, and am finding that being a grown up is a lot less enjoyable than my hero Carrie Bradshaw makes it look like on SATC. I have yet to make enough off of my writings to purchase any 900$ pairs of shoes. How disappointing. But oh yeah, life is good. I've been dating my boyfriend, Michael, for like two months or something now. I don't really keep track of time, but it's been longer than two weeks so that's nice. He just bought an amazing house. Very proud of him.
Christmas is over! Yesssss! I missed my Mama this Christmas, and am depressed about the impending new year. I've been here for like 8 months now and still am serving pasta not knowing what's next. What does a new year mean for me? Aren't we all sort of asking ourselves that? I wish I knew what path I was headed down in this new year, and honestly am overwhelmed that I still don't have my answers. I'll even admit that I've got myself into a place where I was just EXISTING rather than LIVING.
I realized today though that the difference between being alive and existing is simple. When you are alive you are still asking questions... When you are existing you stop trying to find out why, how and when... you just do. When it became apparent to me that I was in a stagnant place in my life I got a little alarmed and saw that when I stopped seeking and searching is when I began to feel absolutely complacent and a little miserable.
My challenge for myself and for whoever cares to read is this- - in this new year-- don't settle. If you find a question unanswered, put in work to find the answer, if a door closes on you, find another, but don't just get comfortable. When you don't have your eyes set on something, when you have no target for your life, that's when you know you're in trouble.
You know, when you diet so much and you lose all this weight . . . and then it just stops. You plateau and progress stops. In order to continue to lose weight you have to cut something else out, revamp your exercise routine, do something different, work a little harder. It's the same way in life. If you find yourself stuck somewhere you can't just sit still and expect it to get better. . .
So yeah. In the New Year I am going to remember these things
1) Those who seek will find
2) Nothing comes without effort
My Father isn't going to push me into anything I don't want, He waits to answer my call, but when I stop calling, stop searching and stop seeking He has to wait on me. I wonder if He ever shakes His head at me and thinks, "I have shown Emma My hand in her life so many times, so many provisions, so many blessings and STILL homegirl hasn't gotten it through her head that giving her life totally over IS a guarantee. . . " I mean seriously, God has to be so irritated with us at times, but the amazing thing is- when I call out, He sends His presence to me and I know He hasn't ever left me alone.
It really is incredible to know, no matter what the circumstance is currently that He has promised a "future and a hope"
Happy New Year,
Emma
live your words, fulfill your dreams
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
10.18.11
I hate that when I start writing it doesn't stop. I mean, that's also like me talking so I don't know why I'm shocked when I bypass the 1,000 word mark in under 10 minutes of typing. Sheeesh, I used to send like 1,000 texts a day when I had my blackberry. Touch screen texting is just miserable though. It takes longer, isn't convenient when you're trying to drive and shift gears. . . . It just sucks.
Oh yeah, I just had the impulse to write because this week I have felt like God has been so present in my life that it would probably be wrong of me NOT to give a little praise.
I think that it is absolutely incredible that the more we open our hearts, the more He chooses to come in. He truly understands the concept of meeting us halfway, of answering when we call, opening when we knock, and appearing when we are searching. Why does He make us such a priority??
Because we are His children, created out of love, with the sole purpose of bringing Him pleasure. He didn't need us to make the universe complete, but He wanted us. How amazing is it to know that we were not an unplanned accident, but something that God's heart desired and that He takes delight in. We are like that first child that loving parents pray for, plan for, prepare the baby room for and wait expectantly for. They give everything of themselves for that child, then follow it attentively around when it begins to walk, they give it everything it requests and make sure it has the best of the best. That is us and God. He is a Father who can't think of anything more rewarding than time with us, granting our requests and being near to our hearts.
I have been learning so much about God lately, and He has been teaching it to me through the people He has placed in my life. This week has shown me that despite the issues I have with living here in Yuma, this is where He has placed me. He is a God who knows what is best for His children, and He has a path for me that begins here in the middle of the desert. But the atttribute of God, other than love, which we all know is a HUGE thing for me right now, that I am discovering is His Justice.
Not Justice like commit the crime, do the time kind of thing. But justice as in what is RIGHT. Justice and Righteousness are the foundation of the throne of God. I have been seeing that the more I know God the more I find situations around me to be a source of actual grief for myself. I see people with broken lives and situations that are just all wrong and my heart aches. I realize that desiring justice isn't about wanting revenge or anything of the sort, instead it is the need for wrongs to be made right.
The fact of the matter is, our entire world needs justice. We live in a world that is broken and torn appart and destroyed by the enemy. As I seek God's heart I find that my perspective is changing. Where I was completely self centered and asking God to give me this, give me that, do this, do that, I am finding that as we know Him, we are given a capacity to see outside of ourselves.
My obsession with the beatitudes hasn't gone away.
3 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
4 God blesses those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.
6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,
for they will be satisfied.
7 God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.
9 God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.
10 God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
I don't even have anything to say after that passage because the Word is so powerful. As we know Him we are changed. As we read the Word are hearts and minds are transformed and renewed. Our patterns change, and what we value changes. I am in this place of transition right now where I feel everything just changing. What I care about is changing, how I spend my time is changing, and even my sense of what is right and wrong is becoming aligned with what is actually right and wrong. I love that noone has forced me to be different but that truly God's Spirit has done its work inside of me.
I always explain it that when light shines into darkness, the darkness has to leave. The more light we shine into our lives, the more darkness leaves until eventually we are transparent and are able to allow His light to shine out through us. I wouldn't begin to claim that I am there yet, but I am finally in a place where I am confident to say that He is doing a good work in my life.
He is the Creator, and in Him we live and move and breath. He is the Author, the Finisher, the Perfector of our Faith. And even in moments when our faith is small, fragile, weak, barely there, He is strong and mighty and ready to move on our behalf.
Because He is a God of justice He seeks to right wrongs. He seeks to heal wounds, to mend broken things, to straighten things that have been twisted. . . He restores that which as been taken, He strengthens the weak, He gives new beginnings, He ressurects that which has been dead, He fills the empty and He finds the lost. This is My God.
I am out of words today, because I am in awe of the Glory of the One who created everything we have, who watched humanity fall into sin, created a path of redemption and who patiently waits for hearts to turn to Him. That He would know MY name. That He would hear My call. That He would LOVE me. I am so blessed.
<3 Emma
Oh yeah, I just had the impulse to write because this week I have felt like God has been so present in my life that it would probably be wrong of me NOT to give a little praise.
I think that it is absolutely incredible that the more we open our hearts, the more He chooses to come in. He truly understands the concept of meeting us halfway, of answering when we call, opening when we knock, and appearing when we are searching. Why does He make us such a priority??
Because we are His children, created out of love, with the sole purpose of bringing Him pleasure. He didn't need us to make the universe complete, but He wanted us. How amazing is it to know that we were not an unplanned accident, but something that God's heart desired and that He takes delight in. We are like that first child that loving parents pray for, plan for, prepare the baby room for and wait expectantly for. They give everything of themselves for that child, then follow it attentively around when it begins to walk, they give it everything it requests and make sure it has the best of the best. That is us and God. He is a Father who can't think of anything more rewarding than time with us, granting our requests and being near to our hearts.
I have been learning so much about God lately, and He has been teaching it to me through the people He has placed in my life. This week has shown me that despite the issues I have with living here in Yuma, this is where He has placed me. He is a God who knows what is best for His children, and He has a path for me that begins here in the middle of the desert. But the atttribute of God, other than love, which we all know is a HUGE thing for me right now, that I am discovering is His Justice.
Not Justice like commit the crime, do the time kind of thing. But justice as in what is RIGHT. Justice and Righteousness are the foundation of the throne of God. I have been seeing that the more I know God the more I find situations around me to be a source of actual grief for myself. I see people with broken lives and situations that are just all wrong and my heart aches. I realize that desiring justice isn't about wanting revenge or anything of the sort, instead it is the need for wrongs to be made right.
The fact of the matter is, our entire world needs justice. We live in a world that is broken and torn appart and destroyed by the enemy. As I seek God's heart I find that my perspective is changing. Where I was completely self centered and asking God to give me this, give me that, do this, do that, I am finding that as we know Him, we are given a capacity to see outside of ourselves.
My obsession with the beatitudes hasn't gone away.
3 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
4 God blesses those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.
6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,
for they will be satisfied.
7 God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.
9 God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.
10 God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
I don't even have anything to say after that passage because the Word is so powerful. As we know Him we are changed. As we read the Word are hearts and minds are transformed and renewed. Our patterns change, and what we value changes. I am in this place of transition right now where I feel everything just changing. What I care about is changing, how I spend my time is changing, and even my sense of what is right and wrong is becoming aligned with what is actually right and wrong. I love that noone has forced me to be different but that truly God's Spirit has done its work inside of me.
I always explain it that when light shines into darkness, the darkness has to leave. The more light we shine into our lives, the more darkness leaves until eventually we are transparent and are able to allow His light to shine out through us. I wouldn't begin to claim that I am there yet, but I am finally in a place where I am confident to say that He is doing a good work in my life.
He is the Creator, and in Him we live and move and breath. He is the Author, the Finisher, the Perfector of our Faith. And even in moments when our faith is small, fragile, weak, barely there, He is strong and mighty and ready to move on our behalf.
Because He is a God of justice He seeks to right wrongs. He seeks to heal wounds, to mend broken things, to straighten things that have been twisted. . . He restores that which as been taken, He strengthens the weak, He gives new beginnings, He ressurects that which has been dead, He fills the empty and He finds the lost. This is My God.
I am out of words today, because I am in awe of the Glory of the One who created everything we have, who watched humanity fall into sin, created a path of redemption and who patiently waits for hearts to turn to Him. That He would know MY name. That He would hear My call. That He would LOVE me. I am so blessed.
<3 Emma
Thursday, September 29, 2011
9.29.2011
So what if I haven't posted on my blog for three months. That doesn't mean I haven't been like living or whatever it is we call our existence these days. . . I'd like to catch my faithful blog readers up on what has been happening in the past three months, but I realize that would be intensely painful and boring to ready so I'll do it in just a few sentences.
Work has been a challenge, not because serving pasta is super hard, it's not really. But because I tend to always be in trouble. Not sure why I'm the target of my manager's loathing but apparently I don't take my job seriously and occasionally I don't smile properly. Moving on. I went home to visit. Had some incredible times, and some that made me want to run at top speeds back to Yuma, which has somehow become synonomous with my haven of safety. Funny. But yeah, I came home no worse for wear, but with a new tattoo on my left arm. I'll get to that later.
So yeah. I'm back, I'm working 40 hours a week, trying to make money to pay off my credit card and such, and it hits me suddenly. I'm still here. I still have no clue what's next. I feel like God is being entirely silent in my life. So thus ensues a giant pity party that involves many pints of Ciao Bella gelato (key lime graham- its incredible okay?) and many many episodes of Ally McBeal (my Mom cheated me out of any experience I could have had with the 90's). So yeah. I have done quite a bit of being angry and sitting still lately.
But then, I bought this cute spiral notebook a few weeks ago, and I know this is a little dumb, but is there not something incredible and fresh about new paper? Yes, I have a notebook problem. Whatever. I have been writing again, and if you read my blogs you find that in writing I find God. We all have our ways to worship, to seek and to search, but for me it's absolutely through the written word.
So yeah, this new tattoo says simply "loved".
You know I've listened to lil wayne's "how to love" almost one hundred times and it sort of haunts me. Sure he isn't exactly the example of a model citizen or even a remotely respectable person but the song definitely resonates with me. Maybe its because I feel that we are all pursuing love in some way. In fact, I think love is the most sought after thing, aside from money I'm sure, in this world. I feel like when Mr. Carter says "See you had a lot of crooks try to steal your heart" it makes sense. Because he uses the word STEAL.
I am finding that a love encounter with God is unlike all of the loves I have sought after and given to that have left me broken. The difference is so simple. Our God is a giver. His love never seeks to take from us. His love for us is not based on whether we reciprocate it or not. His love for each of us has existed before there even was existence. The loves of this world TAKE from us. Those who do not understand that love is sacrifice don't understand that love gives the best gifts, wants the best things and in honor prefers the object of that love before its self.
We've all been to weddings and heart 1 Corinthians 13 read, whether the ones getting married knew about God's love or not... We all see this passage as a model, as an example of the love we want to give and receive. I was reading it today and I realized that we believe God is love. . . And this passage describes Him. I have read it and have been overwhelmed. Oh the perfect love of my God. He hasn't given up on me. He isn't angry when I wrong Him, when I wrong myself and when I doubt. He cares more about me than I do myself, He cared enough to prefer my soul and my eternity above the comfort of His only Son. He is a patient God, slow to anger, quick to love, willing to forgive and forget our sins. He doesn't count our offenses throughout the day, or even throughout our lives. With repentence he wipes our record clean! His love looks for our best! He sees the best things and He thinks, "I want that for my child". It's incredible.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
I get so in awe when I think for a moment of a love that never ends. That cannot be measured, that cannot be fathomed. We can not travel out of God's love, it is so vast. Everything that that person who you loved who broke you and jaded you and made you feel like love was a lie, everything they took, everything they did wrong, you know what I'm talking about- I want you to know this-
You can use those hurts and remember that God is the opposite of those things.
If they were ungrateful when you gave of yourself remember that He delights in you, and when you come into His presence he rejoices.
If they made you feel like you were insignificant, and could be easily replaced, remember that He formed you in your mother's womb to be the incredible, irreplacable person that you are and that He chose you for something specific. You are not a cheap creation, your value as a Child of God's is incredible.
If they made you feel small, if they made you feel weak know that when you are loved by God you are mighty, you have all the power of heaven behind you as a Child of God. You are mighty.
If they made you feel like you were undesirable know this- He longs for you. He seeks after you, He sees you as His Beloved and He wants to hold you close. I am loved.
I am loved so completely and so powerfully that it shows me that no earthly thing can compare to love on this scale.
Ephesians 3.14-21 My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
All I have right now are the promises God has given me, and I know that to live by Faith in the Promises of a God who never lies is a very secure place to be. In His love we find healing, we find joy, we find life. He is the source of all things that are good. He is the sustainer, the provider, the strengthener of our faith. I have spent so many nights crying out in loneliness, saying to Him "why??" and He never tells me those whys. . . That's super irritating but I know the reason is because He has given me quite enough already.
I wrote a few weeks ago in the notebook I mentioned earlier "when you seek desire rather than love. . . you chase the wind, you find yourself short of breath and empty handed... when you try to find a grasp on something made of sand it sifts through your hands, these pursuits leave you broken. . . but what does it mean to singlemindedly pursue God?"
And that is the question I am ending with not because I'm trying to make anyone think, but because it's the one that is weighing on my heart right now. He says, ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened. . .
Why is it that we can chase down love that we know will be a moment of satisfaction but will leave us empty handed, we follow after desire and we know we will be disapointed when the fire dies out. . . (I say we meaning me, but I started with this plural thing a few paragraph backs and I hate to switch up my flow you know what I'm sayin?) All I'm saying is His love is a GUARANTEE. I am so tired of emptiness.
I want to have that love encounter. I want to be overwhelmed by a Love I can only try to describe with words. . . Love you all, emma
Work has been a challenge, not because serving pasta is super hard, it's not really. But because I tend to always be in trouble. Not sure why I'm the target of my manager's loathing but apparently I don't take my job seriously and occasionally I don't smile properly. Moving on. I went home to visit. Had some incredible times, and some that made me want to run at top speeds back to Yuma, which has somehow become synonomous with my haven of safety. Funny. But yeah, I came home no worse for wear, but with a new tattoo on my left arm. I'll get to that later.
So yeah. I'm back, I'm working 40 hours a week, trying to make money to pay off my credit card and such, and it hits me suddenly. I'm still here. I still have no clue what's next. I feel like God is being entirely silent in my life. So thus ensues a giant pity party that involves many pints of Ciao Bella gelato (key lime graham- its incredible okay?) and many many episodes of Ally McBeal (my Mom cheated me out of any experience I could have had with the 90's). So yeah. I have done quite a bit of being angry and sitting still lately.
But then, I bought this cute spiral notebook a few weeks ago, and I know this is a little dumb, but is there not something incredible and fresh about new paper? Yes, I have a notebook problem. Whatever. I have been writing again, and if you read my blogs you find that in writing I find God. We all have our ways to worship, to seek and to search, but for me it's absolutely through the written word.
So yeah, this new tattoo says simply "loved".
You know I've listened to lil wayne's "how to love" almost one hundred times and it sort of haunts me. Sure he isn't exactly the example of a model citizen or even a remotely respectable person but the song definitely resonates with me. Maybe its because I feel that we are all pursuing love in some way. In fact, I think love is the most sought after thing, aside from money I'm sure, in this world. I feel like when Mr. Carter says "See you had a lot of crooks try to steal your heart" it makes sense. Because he uses the word STEAL.
I am finding that a love encounter with God is unlike all of the loves I have sought after and given to that have left me broken. The difference is so simple. Our God is a giver. His love never seeks to take from us. His love for us is not based on whether we reciprocate it or not. His love for each of us has existed before there even was existence. The loves of this world TAKE from us. Those who do not understand that love is sacrifice don't understand that love gives the best gifts, wants the best things and in honor prefers the object of that love before its self.
We've all been to weddings and heart 1 Corinthians 13 read, whether the ones getting married knew about God's love or not... We all see this passage as a model, as an example of the love we want to give and receive. I was reading it today and I realized that we believe God is love. . . And this passage describes Him. I have read it and have been overwhelmed. Oh the perfect love of my God. He hasn't given up on me. He isn't angry when I wrong Him, when I wrong myself and when I doubt. He cares more about me than I do myself, He cared enough to prefer my soul and my eternity above the comfort of His only Son. He is a patient God, slow to anger, quick to love, willing to forgive and forget our sins. He doesn't count our offenses throughout the day, or even throughout our lives. With repentence he wipes our record clean! His love looks for our best! He sees the best things and He thinks, "I want that for my child". It's incredible.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
I get so in awe when I think for a moment of a love that never ends. That cannot be measured, that cannot be fathomed. We can not travel out of God's love, it is so vast. Everything that that person who you loved who broke you and jaded you and made you feel like love was a lie, everything they took, everything they did wrong, you know what I'm talking about- I want you to know this-
You can use those hurts and remember that God is the opposite of those things.
If they were ungrateful when you gave of yourself remember that He delights in you, and when you come into His presence he rejoices.
If they made you feel like you were insignificant, and could be easily replaced, remember that He formed you in your mother's womb to be the incredible, irreplacable person that you are and that He chose you for something specific. You are not a cheap creation, your value as a Child of God's is incredible.
If they made you feel small, if they made you feel weak know that when you are loved by God you are mighty, you have all the power of heaven behind you as a Child of God. You are mighty.
If they made you feel like you were undesirable know this- He longs for you. He seeks after you, He sees you as His Beloved and He wants to hold you close. I am loved.
I am loved so completely and so powerfully that it shows me that no earthly thing can compare to love on this scale.
Ephesians 3.14-21 My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
All I have right now are the promises God has given me, and I know that to live by Faith in the Promises of a God who never lies is a very secure place to be. In His love we find healing, we find joy, we find life. He is the source of all things that are good. He is the sustainer, the provider, the strengthener of our faith. I have spent so many nights crying out in loneliness, saying to Him "why??" and He never tells me those whys. . . That's super irritating but I know the reason is because He has given me quite enough already.
I wrote a few weeks ago in the notebook I mentioned earlier "when you seek desire rather than love. . . you chase the wind, you find yourself short of breath and empty handed... when you try to find a grasp on something made of sand it sifts through your hands, these pursuits leave you broken. . . but what does it mean to singlemindedly pursue God?"
And that is the question I am ending with not because I'm trying to make anyone think, but because it's the one that is weighing on my heart right now. He says, ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened. . .
Why is it that we can chase down love that we know will be a moment of satisfaction but will leave us empty handed, we follow after desire and we know we will be disapointed when the fire dies out. . . (I say we meaning me, but I started with this plural thing a few paragraph backs and I hate to switch up my flow you know what I'm sayin?) All I'm saying is His love is a GUARANTEE. I am so tired of emptiness.
I want to have that love encounter. I want to be overwhelmed by a Love I can only try to describe with words. . . Love you all, emma
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
7.13.11
Is it abnormal that when life is going well I wonder when something bad is going to happen? Why am I conditioned to wait for things to fall apart, to fall from the peak of the mountain to the depths of the valley and to constantly be struggling through life? I'm all about being real, so this is me saying that the last several weeks have been such a series of ups and downs for me. I have made so so much progress in my life, I have been given SO much from my Father that has grown me up as an individual, but it seems that the more I receive the more opportunity I have to fall.
I was talking to a dear friend that God has been so good to place in my life since I've moved out here... She and I were asking that question- WHY is it so often so hard to make right choices. The idea that maybe we weren't committed to following God came up, and I definitely think that is a valid point, but tonight I have a different thought.
The laws of science tell us that with every action there is an equal and opposite reaction right?? I'm no expert on this, so just bear with me . . . But I wonder if that is the same thing in the spirit world. But it seems that each time I allow the Spirit to shine the light of Truth into the cobweb covered corners of my heart and see God's Love changing me I almost instantly find a way to trip and fall in my walk. It's like my soul has a string tied to each side and there is a tug-of-war going on between the kingdoms for me each day.
I don't know how to explain this!!! But I've already started, so I'll just tell a little of what has gone on with me in the past few weeks.
I Just a few weeks ago I told God I was saying YES to all that He had for me, and I meant it. I somehow ended up on a stage dancing in front of more than 100 people for my churchs' VBX. It was definitely one of the most uncomfortable, downright humiliating things I've ever done. I absolutely have no ability to dance, have no rhythm and honestly NO MOVES. But, somehow I found that I wanted to participate in that time with those children because I saw their precious souls as more valuable than my embarrassment or hurt pride.
Anyway, that was a big BIG step for me. Seems silly, but being out of my comfort zone like that was an experience I needed to have. I trusted God and the rewards of saying YES to him blew me away. But then, it was like instantly that weekend I was presented with many opportunities to make poor decisions. And I'd love to say I was like, NO, I won't go there or do that . . . But I sure didn't . . .
And then days later I was ironing my work clothes and was just telling a friend a friend how frustrated I was that I didn't have the money to go to school this fall. . . I said "I wish I had wealthy parents" and then it was like God was right there in the room with me saying "Your Heavenly Father is very wealthy, Emma. Your inheritance is great. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills" I ended up on my knees right there, crying and asking God, "does this mean you have the money for my education ready to give to me?!" Oh my goodness, that moment was SO GOOD. I felt so LOVED and so SURE that He was going to take care of me.
But then, what do you know. . . Almost that same day, I found myself in yet another situation where I was faced with temptation and yet another time where I failed.
WHAT IS THIS?!?! What is this up and down and back and forth?! What is this about?! I have literally been so ashamed, and so frustrated with myself for days. But tonight I was reminded of something so powerful that it took my breath away for a minute.
Early in Jesus' ministry here on earth he received the most beautiful affirmation from His Father. That moment when he came out of the water of baptism and the heaven opened and God said, "This is my Beloved Son, and I am pleased with Him". It doesn't get any better than that, I believe. I think that is the highest high you can possibly be at, having the Creator of the Universe making a public service announcement that you are His Child and He is proud of you!! So yeah, this happens, but then almost right away we see Jesus out in the desert.
Yes, I realize I focus on the desert alot, and that's partly because I'm living in the desert right now and it is really relevant to me, but also because of what the desert represents so many times in the Bible. It seems to be a time of testing, of trying and of character building. Only the strong and the faithful make it out of the desert and into the Promised Land. But okay, Jesus is out in the desert for 40 days without anything to eat. 40 days, no food or water, out in that Middle East desert! That is absolute insanity!
As Jesus comes out of those 40 days of fasting, which were most definitely a trial in themselves, He is faced with even more opposition. The devil himself confronts Jesus out there and He begins to try to tempt and entice Jesus to make a wrong choice. I think the thing about this that really registered in my mind was that he obviously picked food to tempt Jesus. He thought to himself, Jesus is definitely starving right now, He is only human, lets try and see if we can get Him to turn these stones into bread. . . Obviously Jesus rebuked him, and after two more tests the devil was forced to flee. . .
Its just so OBVIOUS. The devil isn't an idiot. He comes to us and steals our victory, not by approaching our strengths and challenging them, but by exploiting our weaknesses. He didn't come at that Jesus that day telling Him that God didn't hear His prayers- Jesus had just spent 40 days fasting and praying, His prayer life was great- He wouldn't have been fooled for a minute. Instead he went to the obvious need, hunger. Now I'm not open enough to put my fatal flaws out there but I will say that I see EVERY SINGLE TIME they are used to trip me up.
Where am I going with all of this??? I'm not sure, but I guess I'm realizing that what my Mom says is so true that the stronger the call is on your life, the greater the oposition you will feel against you in trying to reach your destiny. What she means by that is what I mean by the struggle for your soul. As good as our God is, the enemy is evil. As brilliant and beautiful as God's plan is for your life, the enemy of your soul has plans to ensnare you and enslave you and keep you captive.
Something that I read on twitter that I can't get off my mind. . .
@JoellyJ -Greater levels, greater devils. Yeah, but greater angels, too. 2/3 greater, to be exact. "More are for you than against you." Literally!
What he was saying makes so so much sense! When the enemy already is losing, his army is 1/3 the size of God's so I can know that when I feel my heart being pulled in different directions that IF I ALLOW IT the right can easily pull through for me every single time.
1 Corinithians 10:13 says,
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.
Those words are SO good and SO true. This is that moment where I lost my breath.
God didn't design this walk with Him to feel like a roller coaster, where I am getting thrown around from high to low wondering what the hell is happening in my life. He has this set up to be a series of wins for us, over and over. He has the deck stacked in MY FAVOR. He is giving me the tools to WIN over and over.
A verse my Mom had me memorize many years ago is on my heart right now -
Ephesians 2:4-6
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus
So incredible. In this new life that I have I am not actually being called to get thrown around from revelation to temptation constantly. He says that we are given our own place, far above those things. We are seated WITH HIM. We totally have throne status. That is so sick! Would Jesus ever get off the throne and go out and get trashed, smoke some weed, hook up with some chicks?! I'm cracking up right now. No! So ridiculous. When you are redeemed you are redeemed. You have all of the power of God on your side, and those momentary thrills the enemy has to tempt you with are a joke. You're a joint-heir with the Son of God for crying out loud!
Ah!! So much to think about. But yes- in the end- it comes down to my choice. But seeing this behind the scenes sort of look at what is going on when I am tempted, and that really one word of truth makes all of the powers of darkness flee absolutely brings me to my knees.
How GOOD is my God?!
I was talking to a dear friend that God has been so good to place in my life since I've moved out here... She and I were asking that question- WHY is it so often so hard to make right choices. The idea that maybe we weren't committed to following God came up, and I definitely think that is a valid point, but tonight I have a different thought.
The laws of science tell us that with every action there is an equal and opposite reaction right?? I'm no expert on this, so just bear with me . . . But I wonder if that is the same thing in the spirit world. But it seems that each time I allow the Spirit to shine the light of Truth into the cobweb covered corners of my heart and see God's Love changing me I almost instantly find a way to trip and fall in my walk. It's like my soul has a string tied to each side and there is a tug-of-war going on between the kingdoms for me each day.
I don't know how to explain this!!! But I've already started, so I'll just tell a little of what has gone on with me in the past few weeks.
I Just a few weeks ago I told God I was saying YES to all that He had for me, and I meant it. I somehow ended up on a stage dancing in front of more than 100 people for my churchs' VBX. It was definitely one of the most uncomfortable, downright humiliating things I've ever done. I absolutely have no ability to dance, have no rhythm and honestly NO MOVES. But, somehow I found that I wanted to participate in that time with those children because I saw their precious souls as more valuable than my embarrassment or hurt pride.
Anyway, that was a big BIG step for me. Seems silly, but being out of my comfort zone like that was an experience I needed to have. I trusted God and the rewards of saying YES to him blew me away. But then, it was like instantly that weekend I was presented with many opportunities to make poor decisions. And I'd love to say I was like, NO, I won't go there or do that . . . But I sure didn't . . .
And then days later I was ironing my work clothes and was just telling a friend a friend how frustrated I was that I didn't have the money to go to school this fall. . . I said "I wish I had wealthy parents" and then it was like God was right there in the room with me saying "Your Heavenly Father is very wealthy, Emma. Your inheritance is great. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills" I ended up on my knees right there, crying and asking God, "does this mean you have the money for my education ready to give to me?!" Oh my goodness, that moment was SO GOOD. I felt so LOVED and so SURE that He was going to take care of me.
But then, what do you know. . . Almost that same day, I found myself in yet another situation where I was faced with temptation and yet another time where I failed.
WHAT IS THIS?!?! What is this up and down and back and forth?! What is this about?! I have literally been so ashamed, and so frustrated with myself for days. But tonight I was reminded of something so powerful that it took my breath away for a minute.
Early in Jesus' ministry here on earth he received the most beautiful affirmation from His Father. That moment when he came out of the water of baptism and the heaven opened and God said, "This is my Beloved Son, and I am pleased with Him". It doesn't get any better than that, I believe. I think that is the highest high you can possibly be at, having the Creator of the Universe making a public service announcement that you are His Child and He is proud of you!! So yeah, this happens, but then almost right away we see Jesus out in the desert.
Yes, I realize I focus on the desert alot, and that's partly because I'm living in the desert right now and it is really relevant to me, but also because of what the desert represents so many times in the Bible. It seems to be a time of testing, of trying and of character building. Only the strong and the faithful make it out of the desert and into the Promised Land. But okay, Jesus is out in the desert for 40 days without anything to eat. 40 days, no food or water, out in that Middle East desert! That is absolute insanity!
As Jesus comes out of those 40 days of fasting, which were most definitely a trial in themselves, He is faced with even more opposition. The devil himself confronts Jesus out there and He begins to try to tempt and entice Jesus to make a wrong choice. I think the thing about this that really registered in my mind was that he obviously picked food to tempt Jesus. He thought to himself, Jesus is definitely starving right now, He is only human, lets try and see if we can get Him to turn these stones into bread. . . Obviously Jesus rebuked him, and after two more tests the devil was forced to flee. . .
Its just so OBVIOUS. The devil isn't an idiot. He comes to us and steals our victory, not by approaching our strengths and challenging them, but by exploiting our weaknesses. He didn't come at that Jesus that day telling Him that God didn't hear His prayers- Jesus had just spent 40 days fasting and praying, His prayer life was great- He wouldn't have been fooled for a minute. Instead he went to the obvious need, hunger. Now I'm not open enough to put my fatal flaws out there but I will say that I see EVERY SINGLE TIME they are used to trip me up.
Where am I going with all of this??? I'm not sure, but I guess I'm realizing that what my Mom says is so true that the stronger the call is on your life, the greater the oposition you will feel against you in trying to reach your destiny. What she means by that is what I mean by the struggle for your soul. As good as our God is, the enemy is evil. As brilliant and beautiful as God's plan is for your life, the enemy of your soul has plans to ensnare you and enslave you and keep you captive.
Something that I read on twitter that I can't get off my mind. . .
@JoellyJ -Greater levels, greater devils. Yeah, but greater angels, too. 2/3 greater, to be exact. "More are for you than against you." Literally!
What he was saying makes so so much sense! When the enemy already is losing, his army is 1/3 the size of God's so I can know that when I feel my heart being pulled in different directions that IF I ALLOW IT the right can easily pull through for me every single time.
1 Corinithians 10:13 says,
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.
Those words are SO good and SO true. This is that moment where I lost my breath.
God didn't design this walk with Him to feel like a roller coaster, where I am getting thrown around from high to low wondering what the hell is happening in my life. He has this set up to be a series of wins for us, over and over. He has the deck stacked in MY FAVOR. He is giving me the tools to WIN over and over.
A verse my Mom had me memorize many years ago is on my heart right now -
Ephesians 2:4-6
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus
So incredible. In this new life that I have I am not actually being called to get thrown around from revelation to temptation constantly. He says that we are given our own place, far above those things. We are seated WITH HIM. We totally have throne status. That is so sick! Would Jesus ever get off the throne and go out and get trashed, smoke some weed, hook up with some chicks?! I'm cracking up right now. No! So ridiculous. When you are redeemed you are redeemed. You have all of the power of God on your side, and those momentary thrills the enemy has to tempt you with are a joke. You're a joint-heir with the Son of God for crying out loud!
Ah!! So much to think about. But yes- in the end- it comes down to my choice. But seeing this behind the scenes sort of look at what is going on when I am tempted, and that really one word of truth makes all of the powers of darkness flee absolutely brings me to my knees.
How GOOD is my God?!
Monday, June 13, 2011
6.13.11
Well, it's about 2 AM here in Yuma and I'm wide awake in my bed. It might be because this massive tattoo I just got on my side isn't letting me get comfortable, or it's because I haven't been able to shut out that still small Voice that has been calling to me tonight. Yes, I said shut out. . . Because, yes, although the last time you heard from me I was pressing forward in my life, tonight I find myself hanging my head in the presence of Him.
It's so insane to me how I treat my relationship with Him like I would a relationship with just anyone. I get to that place where I feel like I've been super open, super honest, and I'm feeling just extremely vulnerable. . . (I guess normal, healthy people would be excited to get there, so you can finally say your "I love yous" and whatnot...) But no, not me so much. I tend to do the "look before you leap" thing at this juncture and it's what gets me in trouble.
Faith is believing in the unseen. That is absolutely so hard for me. I am so cynical of it all, I am looking all around with my eyes wide open, asking so many questions. "God, how are you going to take care of me?" "Where are You taking me in this life?" "Why am I in Arizona?" "Why am I lonely?" "Why do I have a job I don't like?" "What are you teaching me?" "Is everything going to turn out okay?" "How much do you love me?" "How bad can I mess up and not ruin this?" "Are you going to give me answers?" "Hello God??????"
So, naturally when He doesn't do the quick text back, or whatever my naive mind is looking for I start to really worry. I need to take some control back!! What am I thinking! I need a plan! What am I going to do tomorrow?! And there you go, I take back the control I gave Him, I slip back into the driver's seat and I immediately take a wrong turn.
I feel like someone who just decided to take their relationship to the next level and then immediately got cold feet. That ex from 9th grade, he might be looking good these days. . . I mean, what if this person, my soul mate just isn't it?! What if I missed something back then?! Of course I need to put this on hold and double check!? Okay, well that sucked, I must have broken up with him for a reason. . . But oh wait, I'm just not quite ready to settle in here. . . Let me just go see if this person has anything to offer me?! By the time you go and make sure you all of your other options weren't better you end up losing that special thing you had, all because you were too afraid to just reach out and take it.
What am I afraid of?!
He is offering my unconditional, unending and everlasting love. He is offering me His constant presence, His strength and His power in my life. He is offering me a place in a family where my inheritance is rich, and my destiny is 100% secure. He is offering me life, absolutely abundant life. But even though the Creator of this world is down on one knee, looking up at me, offering me it all. . . I'm stalling for time to think. . . Do I say YES? Do I go all in on this offer? It's guaranteed by the Blood of the Lamb, but maybe if I give in I'll miss something. . .
I reread what I just wrote and I'm shaking my head at myself. I'm thinking of Him standing there at the door, knocking and knocking and knocking. I'm embarrassed that I continue to think keeping God waiting is a good look. . .
Numbers 23:19 is something that is on my heart tonight - -
"God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?"
He promised me that He has a future for me, that He will finish the good work He has begun, that He will work all things together for good, that He will bless me as I follow in His way. . . All of these things and countless others, and as pastor Stephen said this morning at Champion that really it's about our choice. God has been ready and waiting to move us forward, He is all about giving us His blessing and enriching out lives. We're the ones who are being slow, it's our choice to submit to His will for us.
I'm not huge on the submission thing. I'm pretty stuck on myself as an individual... (This might be because my mother used to make me feel that unless I was wearing a long jean jumper, had long hair, no makeup, and wore tights and socks with sneakers on, that I wasn't going to be a good Christian girl -- I'm not huge on conforming now, if that explains why. . . ) But really, I'm super terrified of becoming a super cheerful Jesus-zombie. Wow, I sound like a terrible person, but hey I'm being honest here, and it's almost 3 AM and my filter is turned off I believe. But anyway, I have alot of really negative associations with the idea of submitting to God.
On the other hand, it seems like every single time I stop listening to Him I end up in some situation where I am clothed in nothing but self-loathing and filled with regret. I find myself driving somewhere feeling like I could go no lower in my own estimation and wondering why the hell I can't seem to get it together and make better choices for myself. Here's the final question of the night. . . Why would we choose to run back to our captivity and the chains of our bondage rather than saying Yes to our loving Father and walking victoriously into His promised land?
I feel like I have gotten to my Exodus 16 moment finally. The excitement of the exit from my Egypt is over and I'm in that wilderness place, the place in between where it's not exactly easy. Ironically I am actually in the desert, and it is actually hott and miserable here. But man, I feel where the Israelites were coming from when they said "Things were better back when we were slaves in Egypt" They didn't mean things were literally better, they just meant that they were familiar. They couldn't imagine that the time spent trekking across the desert would actually be worth their while, that the Promised Land on the other side would actually blow Egypt out of the water and that they would be satisfied beyond their wildest dreams. They didn't have the foresight, no, FAITH to believe that.
Gosh, He is so patient with me. Patient beyond what I deserve. I imagine He's laughing a little right now that I've answered my own questions by taking a minute to actually stop asking questions and start reflecting on the answers I already know. He is Good. He is Faithful. It's a matter of looking at His track record, realizing you're joining the winning side and just saying:
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
<3<3<3
Emma
It's so insane to me how I treat my relationship with Him like I would a relationship with just anyone. I get to that place where I feel like I've been super open, super honest, and I'm feeling just extremely vulnerable. . . (I guess normal, healthy people would be excited to get there, so you can finally say your "I love yous" and whatnot...) But no, not me so much. I tend to do the "look before you leap" thing at this juncture and it's what gets me in trouble.
Faith is believing in the unseen. That is absolutely so hard for me. I am so cynical of it all, I am looking all around with my eyes wide open, asking so many questions. "God, how are you going to take care of me?" "Where are You taking me in this life?" "Why am I in Arizona?" "Why am I lonely?" "Why do I have a job I don't like?" "What are you teaching me?" "Is everything going to turn out okay?" "How much do you love me?" "How bad can I mess up and not ruin this?" "Are you going to give me answers?" "Hello God??????"
So, naturally when He doesn't do the quick text back, or whatever my naive mind is looking for I start to really worry. I need to take some control back!! What am I thinking! I need a plan! What am I going to do tomorrow?! And there you go, I take back the control I gave Him, I slip back into the driver's seat and I immediately take a wrong turn.
I feel like someone who just decided to take their relationship to the next level and then immediately got cold feet. That ex from 9th grade, he might be looking good these days. . . I mean, what if this person, my soul mate just isn't it?! What if I missed something back then?! Of course I need to put this on hold and double check!? Okay, well that sucked, I must have broken up with him for a reason. . . But oh wait, I'm just not quite ready to settle in here. . . Let me just go see if this person has anything to offer me?! By the time you go and make sure you all of your other options weren't better you end up losing that special thing you had, all because you were too afraid to just reach out and take it.
What am I afraid of?!
He is offering my unconditional, unending and everlasting love. He is offering me His constant presence, His strength and His power in my life. He is offering me a place in a family where my inheritance is rich, and my destiny is 100% secure. He is offering me life, absolutely abundant life. But even though the Creator of this world is down on one knee, looking up at me, offering me it all. . . I'm stalling for time to think. . . Do I say YES? Do I go all in on this offer? It's guaranteed by the Blood of the Lamb, but maybe if I give in I'll miss something. . .
I reread what I just wrote and I'm shaking my head at myself. I'm thinking of Him standing there at the door, knocking and knocking and knocking. I'm embarrassed that I continue to think keeping God waiting is a good look. . .
Numbers 23:19 is something that is on my heart tonight - -
"God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?"
He promised me that He has a future for me, that He will finish the good work He has begun, that He will work all things together for good, that He will bless me as I follow in His way. . . All of these things and countless others, and as pastor Stephen said this morning at Champion that really it's about our choice. God has been ready and waiting to move us forward, He is all about giving us His blessing and enriching out lives. We're the ones who are being slow, it's our choice to submit to His will for us.
I'm not huge on the submission thing. I'm pretty stuck on myself as an individual... (This might be because my mother used to make me feel that unless I was wearing a long jean jumper, had long hair, no makeup, and wore tights and socks with sneakers on, that I wasn't going to be a good Christian girl -- I'm not huge on conforming now, if that explains why. . . ) But really, I'm super terrified of becoming a super cheerful Jesus-zombie. Wow, I sound like a terrible person, but hey I'm being honest here, and it's almost 3 AM and my filter is turned off I believe. But anyway, I have alot of really negative associations with the idea of submitting to God.
On the other hand, it seems like every single time I stop listening to Him I end up in some situation where I am clothed in nothing but self-loathing and filled with regret. I find myself driving somewhere feeling like I could go no lower in my own estimation and wondering why the hell I can't seem to get it together and make better choices for myself. Here's the final question of the night. . . Why would we choose to run back to our captivity and the chains of our bondage rather than saying Yes to our loving Father and walking victoriously into His promised land?
I feel like I have gotten to my Exodus 16 moment finally. The excitement of the exit from my Egypt is over and I'm in that wilderness place, the place in between where it's not exactly easy. Ironically I am actually in the desert, and it is actually hott and miserable here. But man, I feel where the Israelites were coming from when they said "Things were better back when we were slaves in Egypt" They didn't mean things were literally better, they just meant that they were familiar. They couldn't imagine that the time spent trekking across the desert would actually be worth their while, that the Promised Land on the other side would actually blow Egypt out of the water and that they would be satisfied beyond their wildest dreams. They didn't have the foresight, no, FAITH to believe that.
Gosh, He is so patient with me. Patient beyond what I deserve. I imagine He's laughing a little right now that I've answered my own questions by taking a minute to actually stop asking questions and start reflecting on the answers I already know. He is Good. He is Faithful. It's a matter of looking at His track record, realizing you're joining the winning side and just saying:
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
<3<3<3
Emma
Monday, May 30, 2011
5.30.11
It occurred to me today that I have just reached the two month mark on living here in Arizona. How much has changed in my life in two months!
I was actually describing it to my friend earlier today as someone who is extremely obese and decides to change their lifestyle, dieting and exercising everyday. For these giant people this lifestyle change is insane- they can drop weight at such a rapid pace because they have so much extra to lose. I feel that that is exactly what I've been experiencing. Just everything has changed.
Every day I think things and immediately God speaks so sweetly to my heart "Emma, that isn't for you anymore" and then I let it go. He has been gently persuading me to lay my baggage down, piece by piece. I feel like I've been living in my Faith like someone who is only there to stay for a little while. I've been holding onto my luggage and suitcases looking around anxiously. God is being so patient as He tells me, "Live in My Love, Emma." The more of these things I carry that I am able to drop at His feet, item by item, issue by issue, the more freedom I find in my life. I dropped off a bag that was tagged, "self-condemnation" several weeks ago, and I realized I didnt need to punish myself for things God had already forgiven.
The more of these weighty, negative burdens I release to him the more at home I feel in my Faith. I can see that actually we create our own distance between ourselves and God. I have been holding my issues close to myself, almost treasuring them because they are all I've known for so long. But the thing I have learned is that that idea of being miserable is SOOO not from the Father. Keeping my wrongdoings in the forefront of my mind and heart is actually like and insult to Him, since His mission was to bring forgiveness into my heart.
So, lay your burden's down.
But, now here, entering the third month of this adventure God has set me on, I am finding out that once you get moved in, when you give your heavy burdens to God, that isn't like a final step. Actually, it's just an initial one.
"Emma,do you trust Me?"
I want so badly to say when He asked me that I said, "Oh yes God, I totally trust You, I know that You ways are the best, and I'll do whatever You ask..." Hell no, I did not say that. I said, God, I really like the way You give Your love to me, and show me how much you value me, but I don't know if I believe You are enough for me.
Can God answer the phone when I'm lonely and crying at night and tell me that I am strong enough to keep going? Can God text me and tell me that He is proud of me? Can He hold me when I'm crying?
See, all the skeptics see where I'm coming from, and those of you who are thinking, yes, God is our Comforter in times of trouble. I'm just shaking my head at you, because I know that we are human and when someone hurts you, or lets you down, or breaks your heart you do not say, "Praise God! This is great, He must have something better in store for my life!" No. Don't even try to say that is how you live.
Actually lately I just feel angry. I want to know why God is taking away things that I want in my life. It doesn't seem fair. But the pastor at the church God gave me in Yuma constantly talks about momentum in our lives. We are called to be moving forward. Invest more, sow more, reap more, harvest more. . . It is about movement. I honestly feel I've done enough damn moving for a long time. But I guess God know's I'm getting to comfortable, and once you get comfortable, you turn out like someone who's in a long term relationship- you let yourself go. That six-pack you had when we met, where did it go??
Christianity isn't about comfort, it's about growth.
The Message Bible explains what I'm talking about so well,
John 15:1-4
"I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.
Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me."
It's about moving forward. It makes me so angry that God has to look into my life and heart and identify the places and things that are no longer helpful, that are no longer propelling my life forward. It makes me angry that when He points them out to me that I say, "Okay, I can see where you think that God, but probably if I just work harder on it then it'll get better, you'll see!" He is just shaking His head at me. What's dead is dead, you can't bring it back to life, the time for that is past.
But here is where the walk gets painful. He is so sweet with us, letting us know the areas of our life where we need to TRUST HIM, but we are so stubborn. So while He doesn't force us, He begins to allow things to happen in our life that begin that "pruning" process. That shit HURTS. It hurts SO bad to have parts of us cut off and changed. I told God even today, "I needed that!! I needed that part of myself! It is important, I can't get by without it!!"
It is a refining process. Just like gold is processed at extreme temperatures, so are quality people. The people who have felt the most heat, the most pressure, the most pain, are the ones that have the opportunity to have the most genuine character. I think we all like the idea of knowing that eventually, if we trust God we will become that person of great faith, of great integrity, of strong character. That person that we see and that we strive towards. Who doesn't want to be the best person they can be, or more?
It's just like working out though. To get to that weight goal you have, to get to that level of fitness you want to achieve you have to put in time, work, sweat and maybe tears. Nothing in this life worth having comes easily...
I still have no freaking idea where my life is going, but I am asking God to give me some faith and patience right now. That somehow He will remind me that He is in control and that this is for a purpose.
I was actually describing it to my friend earlier today as someone who is extremely obese and decides to change their lifestyle, dieting and exercising everyday. For these giant people this lifestyle change is insane- they can drop weight at such a rapid pace because they have so much extra to lose. I feel that that is exactly what I've been experiencing. Just everything has changed.
Every day I think things and immediately God speaks so sweetly to my heart "Emma, that isn't for you anymore" and then I let it go. He has been gently persuading me to lay my baggage down, piece by piece. I feel like I've been living in my Faith like someone who is only there to stay for a little while. I've been holding onto my luggage and suitcases looking around anxiously. God is being so patient as He tells me, "Live in My Love, Emma." The more of these things I carry that I am able to drop at His feet, item by item, issue by issue, the more freedom I find in my life. I dropped off a bag that was tagged, "self-condemnation" several weeks ago, and I realized I didnt need to punish myself for things God had already forgiven.
The more of these weighty, negative burdens I release to him the more at home I feel in my Faith. I can see that actually we create our own distance between ourselves and God. I have been holding my issues close to myself, almost treasuring them because they are all I've known for so long. But the thing I have learned is that that idea of being miserable is SOOO not from the Father. Keeping my wrongdoings in the forefront of my mind and heart is actually like and insult to Him, since His mission was to bring forgiveness into my heart.
So, lay your burden's down.
But, now here, entering the third month of this adventure God has set me on, I am finding out that once you get moved in, when you give your heavy burdens to God, that isn't like a final step. Actually, it's just an initial one.
"Emma,do you trust Me?"
I want so badly to say when He asked me that I said, "Oh yes God, I totally trust You, I know that You ways are the best, and I'll do whatever You ask..." Hell no, I did not say that. I said, God, I really like the way You give Your love to me, and show me how much you value me, but I don't know if I believe You are enough for me.
Can God answer the phone when I'm lonely and crying at night and tell me that I am strong enough to keep going? Can God text me and tell me that He is proud of me? Can He hold me when I'm crying?
See, all the skeptics see where I'm coming from, and those of you who are thinking, yes, God is our Comforter in times of trouble. I'm just shaking my head at you, because I know that we are human and when someone hurts you, or lets you down, or breaks your heart you do not say, "Praise God! This is great, He must have something better in store for my life!" No. Don't even try to say that is how you live.
Actually lately I just feel angry. I want to know why God is taking away things that I want in my life. It doesn't seem fair. But the pastor at the church God gave me in Yuma constantly talks about momentum in our lives. We are called to be moving forward. Invest more, sow more, reap more, harvest more. . . It is about movement. I honestly feel I've done enough damn moving for a long time. But I guess God know's I'm getting to comfortable, and once you get comfortable, you turn out like someone who's in a long term relationship- you let yourself go. That six-pack you had when we met, where did it go??
Christianity isn't about comfort, it's about growth.
The Message Bible explains what I'm talking about so well,
John 15:1-4
"I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.
Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me."
It's about moving forward. It makes me so angry that God has to look into my life and heart and identify the places and things that are no longer helpful, that are no longer propelling my life forward. It makes me angry that when He points them out to me that I say, "Okay, I can see where you think that God, but probably if I just work harder on it then it'll get better, you'll see!" He is just shaking His head at me. What's dead is dead, you can't bring it back to life, the time for that is past.
But here is where the walk gets painful. He is so sweet with us, letting us know the areas of our life where we need to TRUST HIM, but we are so stubborn. So while He doesn't force us, He begins to allow things to happen in our life that begin that "pruning" process. That shit HURTS. It hurts SO bad to have parts of us cut off and changed. I told God even today, "I needed that!! I needed that part of myself! It is important, I can't get by without it!!"
It is a refining process. Just like gold is processed at extreme temperatures, so are quality people. The people who have felt the most heat, the most pressure, the most pain, are the ones that have the opportunity to have the most genuine character. I think we all like the idea of knowing that eventually, if we trust God we will become that person of great faith, of great integrity, of strong character. That person that we see and that we strive towards. Who doesn't want to be the best person they can be, or more?
It's just like working out though. To get to that weight goal you have, to get to that level of fitness you want to achieve you have to put in time, work, sweat and maybe tears. Nothing in this life worth having comes easily...
I still have no freaking idea where my life is going, but I am asking God to give me some faith and patience right now. That somehow He will remind me that He is in control and that this is for a purpose.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
4.4.11
Today was an excellent day.
I gave in and went to lunch with a new friend from church. I’ve been really stubborn about the amount of myself I am willing to let others get to know. Because this move has been my fresh start, my new chance. . . I want people to get to know me without any history. So somehow that translated to just not making friends. . . But I learned today that it’s where you came from that makes you who you are, and that you have nothing to be ashamed of when you are walking in your new life.
I felt that for the first time, in actually years, I felt like the person I actually am.
I always have a million thoughts to write. When I actually take the time to think, it’s a lot of thinking, and a lot of writing. But today, my mind feels so entirely empty, my heart is at peace and I have this sense of security that I can’t explain.
http://www.championchurch.org/
God sent me to this church, for a reason and the theme of LOVE that they emphasize has absolutely changed me.
One of the wonderful people I have met told me that the only thing that she could tell me right now to do is to listen to this, over and over.
I cried tonight from a very broken heart. Not because I'm a baby or because I'm emotional, but because I'm broken. The same girl who told me to listen to "Inheritance" told me tonight . . . You are allowed to feel the way you feel. Absolutely liberating to me. Tonight, I'm recognizing the hurt, and I'm asking for the healing.
Amen.
I gave in and went to lunch with a new friend from church. I’ve been really stubborn about the amount of myself I am willing to let others get to know. Because this move has been my fresh start, my new chance. . . I want people to get to know me without any history. So somehow that translated to just not making friends. . . But I learned today that it’s where you came from that makes you who you are, and that you have nothing to be ashamed of when you are walking in your new life.
I felt that for the first time, in actually years, I felt like the person I actually am.
I always have a million thoughts to write. When I actually take the time to think, it’s a lot of thinking, and a lot of writing. But today, my mind feels so entirely empty, my heart is at peace and I have this sense of security that I can’t explain.
http://www.championchurch.org/
God sent me to this church, for a reason and the theme of LOVE that they emphasize has absolutely changed me.
One of the wonderful people I have met told me that the only thing that she could tell me right now to do is to listen to this, over and over.
I cried tonight from a very broken heart. Not because I'm a baby or because I'm emotional, but because I'm broken. The same girl who told me to listen to "Inheritance" told me tonight . . . You are allowed to feel the way you feel. Absolutely liberating to me. Tonight, I'm recognizing the hurt, and I'm asking for the healing.
Amen.
Friday, April 29, 2011
4.28.11
Almost an entire month of living in Arizona and this is currently the biggest thing I've worked out for myself.
All I really want is to feel love. I don’t particularly mean “loved” by people or a person, but actually to feel love. I want to feel that unconditional acceptance and patience more than anything else in my life. Sure that’s something I’m looking for from people, I want the people who I value to love me and to approve of and accept me no matter what I do. I want that from God. I want to know that it is true that He can look beyond my imperfections, mistakes and failures and see me as something of worth.
But I’d say really, most of all, I want to love myself. I want to get to the place where I am not wary of looking at myself in a mirror because I know I still don’t care for the person I see.
I’ve been sitting here in the middle of the damn desert for almost a month now trying to figure out at what point I began to stop loving and respecting myself. It’s funny how there is a correlation between when I began to stop valuing my faith and my relationship with God and when I stopped loving myself.
The question I am trying to answer for myself right now is this- What defines my worth?
I don’t know if that’s something that anyone else struggles with, maybe not because I know, whether it’s apparent or not, I’m a big over thinker. But seriously, where does our worth as individuals come from?
I told my dad when he was here last weekend that I haven’t figured out what I want to do with my life, but I can tell him a lot of things I sure don’t want to include. That’s kind of the way I’ve felt everything has been going for me, the only forward progress I’ve made is through reflection. They say you have to know the past to understand the present, and as a former history major I definitely believe that statement. The point of studying history is not only to learn heritage, but to look at the patterns that humanity have followed, and will continue to follow. That’s a little bit lengthy, but where I was going with that was this- I can tell you all of the places I’ve looked for worth in the past, and I can tell you they left me empty.
I used to take pride in the fact that I’m a smart girl; I found my worth in the fact that I could achieve good grades with minimal work. I used to be prideful of the fact that I worked really hard and was able to be very independent of others. I have looked for my worth in the value that others placed on me. But what I found was that, except for the few genuine people the Lord has blessed me with, people don’t take the time to value others. For some people I was just someone to laugh at when I got drunk, to guys I was just another girl to have sex with and not bother with apart from that. To my mom I was just another disappointment. All of the places I was going to find value were complete dead ends. Literally before I moved I was feeling all of these sources drying up, and I could feel myself wondering who I was, apart from the things I was doing in my life.
So, I just quit everything at once. Some people told me I was absolutely insane for walking away in the middle of a semester. Sure, I don’t disagree. I wasted a pretty good deal of money, but to me it’s okay. I think some sort of self-preservation instinct kicked in finally, along with the reason and support of those closest in my life that got me to the Registrar’s office with my withdraw forms.
What is the point of life if you feel like a complete stranger in your own world?
So here I have none of the things that once defined me. I don’t have a job yet, I’m not taking classes yet, I don’t have friends here yet. . . I don’t have anything other than myself and about 20 books that people keep sending my way to try to give me some insight into I guess “fixing” my own life. Definitely this has been a super humbling time for me, but I feel that I’m getting to experience firsthand one of the strongest principles of Christianity.
It’s all about the surrender. It’s about recognizing that in myself there is NOTHING good. Ask my most recent ex, he’ll tell you I am truly a terrible person, and shit, I won’t argue that. But the good thing is, there are no expectations of perfection from my God. In fact, it’s the opposite, it’s admitting that actually, as human’s, we are worthlessly sinful, and need a Savior.
That’s actually not a huge confidence booster I guess, but it’s definitely a weight off of my shoulders, knowing I don’t need to be perfect. But here’s where I am finding my worth. . . (Almost 1,000 words later I am getting to my main point. . . )
I am overwhelmed when I realize that despite of myself, despite the fact that I have constantly made mistakes and poor choices God still finds worth in me. The verse that says, “who is man that You are mindful of them?” resonates in me. Who am I that God, the one who is over ALL has found significance in me to take the time to show me His love? That I was worth the effort to “rescue” means the world to me.
I haven’t really worked it all out yet, but I do see that the sacrifice Christ made on the cross is truly the Source of my value as a Christian, and also as a person. If I was worth that sacrifice, then there is NO way God is going to leave me stranded out here in the desert without answers.
So, my by process of elimination I know the things that I don;t want to define me. I do know that being loved is what validates us as individuals, and I am so blessed to have found a Perfect Love to keep me and carry me through.
All I really want is to feel love. I don’t particularly mean “loved” by people or a person, but actually to feel love. I want to feel that unconditional acceptance and patience more than anything else in my life. Sure that’s something I’m looking for from people, I want the people who I value to love me and to approve of and accept me no matter what I do. I want that from God. I want to know that it is true that He can look beyond my imperfections, mistakes and failures and see me as something of worth.
But I’d say really, most of all, I want to love myself. I want to get to the place where I am not wary of looking at myself in a mirror because I know I still don’t care for the person I see.
I’ve been sitting here in the middle of the damn desert for almost a month now trying to figure out at what point I began to stop loving and respecting myself. It’s funny how there is a correlation between when I began to stop valuing my faith and my relationship with God and when I stopped loving myself.
The question I am trying to answer for myself right now is this- What defines my worth?
I don’t know if that’s something that anyone else struggles with, maybe not because I know, whether it’s apparent or not, I’m a big over thinker. But seriously, where does our worth as individuals come from?
I told my dad when he was here last weekend that I haven’t figured out what I want to do with my life, but I can tell him a lot of things I sure don’t want to include. That’s kind of the way I’ve felt everything has been going for me, the only forward progress I’ve made is through reflection. They say you have to know the past to understand the present, and as a former history major I definitely believe that statement. The point of studying history is not only to learn heritage, but to look at the patterns that humanity have followed, and will continue to follow. That’s a little bit lengthy, but where I was going with that was this- I can tell you all of the places I’ve looked for worth in the past, and I can tell you they left me empty.
I used to take pride in the fact that I’m a smart girl; I found my worth in the fact that I could achieve good grades with minimal work. I used to be prideful of the fact that I worked really hard and was able to be very independent of others. I have looked for my worth in the value that others placed on me. But what I found was that, except for the few genuine people the Lord has blessed me with, people don’t take the time to value others. For some people I was just someone to laugh at when I got drunk, to guys I was just another girl to have sex with and not bother with apart from that. To my mom I was just another disappointment. All of the places I was going to find value were complete dead ends. Literally before I moved I was feeling all of these sources drying up, and I could feel myself wondering who I was, apart from the things I was doing in my life.
So, I just quit everything at once. Some people told me I was absolutely insane for walking away in the middle of a semester. Sure, I don’t disagree. I wasted a pretty good deal of money, but to me it’s okay. I think some sort of self-preservation instinct kicked in finally, along with the reason and support of those closest in my life that got me to the Registrar’s office with my withdraw forms.
What is the point of life if you feel like a complete stranger in your own world?
So here I have none of the things that once defined me. I don’t have a job yet, I’m not taking classes yet, I don’t have friends here yet. . . I don’t have anything other than myself and about 20 books that people keep sending my way to try to give me some insight into I guess “fixing” my own life. Definitely this has been a super humbling time for me, but I feel that I’m getting to experience firsthand one of the strongest principles of Christianity.
It’s all about the surrender. It’s about recognizing that in myself there is NOTHING good. Ask my most recent ex, he’ll tell you I am truly a terrible person, and shit, I won’t argue that. But the good thing is, there are no expectations of perfection from my God. In fact, it’s the opposite, it’s admitting that actually, as human’s, we are worthlessly sinful, and need a Savior.
That’s actually not a huge confidence booster I guess, but it’s definitely a weight off of my shoulders, knowing I don’t need to be perfect. But here’s where I am finding my worth. . . (Almost 1,000 words later I am getting to my main point. . . )
I am overwhelmed when I realize that despite of myself, despite the fact that I have constantly made mistakes and poor choices God still finds worth in me. The verse that says, “who is man that You are mindful of them?” resonates in me. Who am I that God, the one who is over ALL has found significance in me to take the time to show me His love? That I was worth the effort to “rescue” means the world to me.
I haven’t really worked it all out yet, but I do see that the sacrifice Christ made on the cross is truly the Source of my value as a Christian, and also as a person. If I was worth that sacrifice, then there is NO way God is going to leave me stranded out here in the desert without answers.
So, my by process of elimination I know the things that I don;t want to define me. I do know that being loved is what validates us as individuals, and I am so blessed to have found a Perfect Love to keep me and carry me through.
Friday, April 8, 2011
4.8.11
It’s not that I hate the desert. . . It’s really not. . . I think that in my week as an Arizona resident I’ve learned a good deal. Although my days have really just been waking up, playing with my niece, laying out at the pool, eating the food my sister gives me, since I’m on a strict diet, and running every day I feel like it’s been so much more. Sure, I spent the entire first 3 days in bed watching Netflix, and sure, I’ve had my moments wondering why the hell I’m out here . . . but right at this moment it is so clear to me that God truly has a purpose for this huge change in my life.
I don’t have a clue what is next for me. I didn’t when I left. I know that there are moments when I am terrified. I’ve always had a plan, and when I wasn’t sure, I put a plan together so I could motivate myself. I just left two jobs, school and some people who I love very much. And, when I’m at the park every day running, all that’s going through my mind is WHY? Why are you here? Did you act to impulsively?
Then finally, I picked up a book called, “What Good is God?” by Phillip Yancey two days ago. I haven’t nearly finished it, but even in the first chapters of reading I found myself asking questions. Why does God allow us to go through times of trial? Why haven’t I felt like He was present in my life over the past few years? Why has my life entirely fallen apart? I found myself asking questions openly and honestly for the first time in a long time.
Sometimes our life can be deteriorating little by little and we don’t realize it because we have our days filled so full we have to manage our minutes. My mom told me I was doing too much this semester when I took a position as an RA in addition to 25-28 hours at Rite Aid every week. And then of course I was taking 18 credits. And I have friends and try to be social. . . She was probably right but the reality was as the huge void I was feeling got bigger and bigger I needed to be busier and busier in order to cope.
It’s really scary to finally get to the point when you realize you can’t do it anymore. I think the most terrifying thing for me in life is to admit I can’t do something. I couldn’t keep pushing myself when nothing inside of me wanted to go forward. I didn’t want to work in the pharmacy anymore after three years, I didn’t want to be an education major and I didn’t want to be at Shepherd where I felt that the environment was becoming more and more toxic for me. The only real tie I had left was my job as an RA- I love my Gardiner residents and coworkers so very much.
But somehow I made my choice and here I am. I can honestly say this is the biggest “leap of faith” I’ve ever taken, and I have no idea what’s to become of it. But I am fully trusting that God has a plan for my life, and that I am going to figure things out.
<3 Emma
I don’t have a clue what is next for me. I didn’t when I left. I know that there are moments when I am terrified. I’ve always had a plan, and when I wasn’t sure, I put a plan together so I could motivate myself. I just left two jobs, school and some people who I love very much. And, when I’m at the park every day running, all that’s going through my mind is WHY? Why are you here? Did you act to impulsively?
Then finally, I picked up a book called, “What Good is God?” by Phillip Yancey two days ago. I haven’t nearly finished it, but even in the first chapters of reading I found myself asking questions. Why does God allow us to go through times of trial? Why haven’t I felt like He was present in my life over the past few years? Why has my life entirely fallen apart? I found myself asking questions openly and honestly for the first time in a long time.
Sometimes our life can be deteriorating little by little and we don’t realize it because we have our days filled so full we have to manage our minutes. My mom told me I was doing too much this semester when I took a position as an RA in addition to 25-28 hours at Rite Aid every week. And then of course I was taking 18 credits. And I have friends and try to be social. . . She was probably right but the reality was as the huge void I was feeling got bigger and bigger I needed to be busier and busier in order to cope.
It’s really scary to finally get to the point when you realize you can’t do it anymore. I think the most terrifying thing for me in life is to admit I can’t do something. I couldn’t keep pushing myself when nothing inside of me wanted to go forward. I didn’t want to work in the pharmacy anymore after three years, I didn’t want to be an education major and I didn’t want to be at Shepherd where I felt that the environment was becoming more and more toxic for me. The only real tie I had left was my job as an RA- I love my Gardiner residents and coworkers so very much.
But somehow I made my choice and here I am. I can honestly say this is the biggest “leap of faith” I’ve ever taken, and I have no idea what’s to become of it. But I am fully trusting that God has a plan for my life, and that I am going to figure things out.
<3 Emma
Friday, March 25, 2011
3.25.11 [moving on]
I’ve officially listened to Rascal Flatts “I’m moving on” on repeat for over an hour now. And if you know me you won’t be surprised to know I’ve also been crying that entire time as well. Moving on is one of the things I think we as people resist the most. Who wants to let go of the things they know, the places we are familiar with and the people we are acquainted with for the unknown? Who wants to let go of the things we have invested ourselves into. Whether it is that person we’ve been holding onto for years, or a place we’ve stayed in for too long. . . Finding the strength to identify that where are is not where we should be, and then making a change, is a difficult thing.
That’s where I’ve found myself this past week – looking at my life, and wondering why the heck I’m still in Shepherdstown West Virginia. I’ve been here for 21 years of my life and this place really holds everything that I am. My best memories happened here, but as the past few years have gone by, also my worst. My family is here, and also some of my closest friends. But there are also the memories of things that I want to leave in my past, and that is why I’m making the choice to just leave everything and get out of here.
Looks like I’m really getting on a plane April 1st and saying goodbye to Shepherdstown and Shepherd University. . . This is definitely a bittersweet thing, there are those that I will miss dearly, but also those that I know are toxic in my life and I need to find a new environment. To those that I love, I hate to go, I’ll miss you constantly, and I thank you for all that you’ve contributed to my life. To those that I am leaving behind as a part of the painful past- you’ve made sure that I couldn’t forget my mistakes, and held me back quite long enough.
Arizona is going to provide me with new opportunities, new people, and new choices to make. I pray that when I arrive I can take this opportunity to find out who I am, and where I want to go in my life.
I definitely wish you all the best. Take care. . .
Emma
Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.
Denis Waitley
Saturday, March 12, 2011
3.13.11
(Enough is Enough)
Someone wrote “get money” in sharpie on my right arm, and when I look at it I feel like I should be in an “above the influence” commercial. I’m listening to “Sade Radio” on Pandora, and watching the little red light in the corner of my Blackberry light up. Why would I pick it up?
I’m looking at my mother’s bookshelf, full of Bibles, Bible concordances, devotionals and books on how to love Jesus more. Maybe I should read one of them? But I’m not really sure that 100 books could fill this void.
Do you ever have one of those quiet moments where you wonder to yourself, where the heck is my life headed? I look at my phone, “quickie?” That was a worthwhile text to send, I’d have to say. No, but really, sometimes I wonder what my destiny is, and how it is achieved.
Going to this small school in the middle of nowhere where a dirty, smoky basement is the entirety of the nightlife offered isn’t making me feel fulfilled.
On the other hand, I work in a first year dorm where I feel that I have faced several of my fears, and grown stronger as an individual. I’ve accomplished goals I’ve had, and I find fulfillment in building community and relationships with the residents of my building. But tell me why it was pouring down rain the other night and I found myself sitting on a railroad bridge looking at a flooding river?
I’m not someone you’d see as unstable. The one person who knows me best would probably, definitely, disagree. But, I mean, my residents would tell you I’m consistently the happiest person they know, I mean I practice stepping in the hall a lot, flash them from my doorway, and in general create noise disturbances constantly. And honestly I am a happy girl.
I think we all have things that hold us back. People, circumstances, mindsets. . . There are so many things that can weigh us down, think about it. . . What is that thing that’s keeping you from maximizing your potential as an individual? Maybe it’s that you don’t realize you have limitless potential? Oh my gosh, Janet Jackson just came on Pandora.
But where was I going with this. Yeah, now I remember. I was about to try and justify myself to the world real quick. Okay, that was a joke.
I have this belief that no one deserves an explanation for who I am, what I do, and what I’ve done. At the same time, I hear things said about myself that make me want to just make a public announcement for everyone to “eff off” and try and withhold judgment because they don’t understand me or know me.
I’m not doing it. It’s so worthless, because if I were to sit here and type out the traumas I’ve experienced and tell what I’ve overcome through much counseling and personal effort no one would care about that. They would just have more information on me to misconstrue. So, no thanks…
Why does God let bad things happen to good people? That’s a question leftover from a 3AM talk that went on in my dorm room just a few days ago. It’s been playing through my mind almost constantly. I don’t have an answer. I said with confidence that night, “to build their character”, but today I wonder if I believe that.
Really that question was totally random, probably I could edit it out of this blog, but maybe someone else wants to think about it way too hard too. . .
I’m actually so ADD that I might have to pay my brother $20 to get some adderall to finish this blog. Kidding of course, I wouldn’t do that. Just like my mom wouldn’t straight out tell the Doctor that she had me take Seth’s pills either, right?
I don’t think the point of me writing tonight was to be like, “guys stop talking about me before I have to join an organization so I have allies” . . . I think it was to say that through the ups and downs that life has been giving me, and all of us I’m sure. . . Moving forward is possible.
I hear every day about how incredibly trashy I am, but I’m done letting that effect the way I view myself. I know who I am. I know where I’ve been, where I am currently, and that I’m going places in this life. I have the capability within me to do anything I put my mind to, and the kind of faith that can move mountains.
You can devalue me with your words and your actions, but you won’t know my true worth.
And now I think I see why my education professor told me to stop being so wordy and get to the point. . . maybe I deserved that D. . .
The point is I’m finally putting my middle finger up to those who need it, putting my foot down, and setting my mind on the fact that people don’t determine your worth, value comes from within yourself. And believe me, you can’t afford who I am.
Love, Emma
Someone wrote “get money” in sharpie on my right arm, and when I look at it I feel like I should be in an “above the influence” commercial. I’m listening to “Sade Radio” on Pandora, and watching the little red light in the corner of my Blackberry light up. Why would I pick it up?
I’m looking at my mother’s bookshelf, full of Bibles, Bible concordances, devotionals and books on how to love Jesus more. Maybe I should read one of them? But I’m not really sure that 100 books could fill this void.
Do you ever have one of those quiet moments where you wonder to yourself, where the heck is my life headed? I look at my phone, “quickie?” That was a worthwhile text to send, I’d have to say. No, but really, sometimes I wonder what my destiny is, and how it is achieved.
Going to this small school in the middle of nowhere where a dirty, smoky basement is the entirety of the nightlife offered isn’t making me feel fulfilled.
On the other hand, I work in a first year dorm where I feel that I have faced several of my fears, and grown stronger as an individual. I’ve accomplished goals I’ve had, and I find fulfillment in building community and relationships with the residents of my building. But tell me why it was pouring down rain the other night and I found myself sitting on a railroad bridge looking at a flooding river?
I’m not someone you’d see as unstable. The one person who knows me best would probably, definitely, disagree. But, I mean, my residents would tell you I’m consistently the happiest person they know, I mean I practice stepping in the hall a lot, flash them from my doorway, and in general create noise disturbances constantly. And honestly I am a happy girl.
I think we all have things that hold us back. People, circumstances, mindsets. . . There are so many things that can weigh us down, think about it. . . What is that thing that’s keeping you from maximizing your potential as an individual? Maybe it’s that you don’t realize you have limitless potential? Oh my gosh, Janet Jackson just came on Pandora.
But where was I going with this. Yeah, now I remember. I was about to try and justify myself to the world real quick. Okay, that was a joke.
I have this belief that no one deserves an explanation for who I am, what I do, and what I’ve done. At the same time, I hear things said about myself that make me want to just make a public announcement for everyone to “eff off” and try and withhold judgment because they don’t understand me or know me.
I’m not doing it. It’s so worthless, because if I were to sit here and type out the traumas I’ve experienced and tell what I’ve overcome through much counseling and personal effort no one would care about that. They would just have more information on me to misconstrue. So, no thanks…
Why does God let bad things happen to good people? That’s a question leftover from a 3AM talk that went on in my dorm room just a few days ago. It’s been playing through my mind almost constantly. I don’t have an answer. I said with confidence that night, “to build their character”, but today I wonder if I believe that.
Really that question was totally random, probably I could edit it out of this blog, but maybe someone else wants to think about it way too hard too. . .
I’m actually so ADD that I might have to pay my brother $20 to get some adderall to finish this blog. Kidding of course, I wouldn’t do that. Just like my mom wouldn’t straight out tell the Doctor that she had me take Seth’s pills either, right?
I don’t think the point of me writing tonight was to be like, “guys stop talking about me before I have to join an organization so I have allies” . . . I think it was to say that through the ups and downs that life has been giving me, and all of us I’m sure. . . Moving forward is possible.
I hear every day about how incredibly trashy I am, but I’m done letting that effect the way I view myself. I know who I am. I know where I’ve been, where I am currently, and that I’m going places in this life. I have the capability within me to do anything I put my mind to, and the kind of faith that can move mountains.
You can devalue me with your words and your actions, but you won’t know my true worth.
And now I think I see why my education professor told me to stop being so wordy and get to the point. . . maybe I deserved that D. . .
The point is I’m finally putting my middle finger up to those who need it, putting my foot down, and setting my mind on the fact that people don’t determine your worth, value comes from within yourself. And believe me, you can’t afford who I am.
Love, Emma
Monday, February 7, 2011
2.8.11
Dear Lord,
All I ask is for more love. More love for those close to me, more love for those I don’t find easy to love and more love for myself.
Silence the voices of those around me who want to tear me down. You look directly into my heart, beyond my outside, past my history, and ahead to my future. You have seen it all, and You know my full story.
Give me the inner strength to keep pressing forward. Give me grace to get back up when I fall down, and the faith to believe You’ve got my back.
Show me that You have a purpose. Prove to me that Your Hand is on my life. Don’t let me feel that I’m wandering, trying to make my own way.
Let me seek to understand others, to withhold judgment, and to give second chances. Keep me from retaliating when all I want to do is raise my middle finger to the world.
Remind me that inner character is the measure of a person.
Teach me to trust.
Amen.
All I ask is for more love. More love for those close to me, more love for those I don’t find easy to love and more love for myself.
Silence the voices of those around me who want to tear me down. You look directly into my heart, beyond my outside, past my history, and ahead to my future. You have seen it all, and You know my full story.
Give me the inner strength to keep pressing forward. Give me grace to get back up when I fall down, and the faith to believe You’ve got my back.
Show me that You have a purpose. Prove to me that Your Hand is on my life. Don’t let me feel that I’m wandering, trying to make my own way.
Let me seek to understand others, to withhold judgment, and to give second chances. Keep me from retaliating when all I want to do is raise my middle finger to the world.
Remind me that inner character is the measure of a person.
Teach me to trust.
Amen.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I am From.
I am from the front pew
white tights and stride rites
I am from wood fires and
Warm nights, of board games
And angry family fights.
I am from Moderate Mike
And Strict Susan
from the tension and from
The confusion
I am from the independent
Way of thought
The middle child in all my ways
I am from basketball games
And track meets, games
Never won
From breakfast of corn beef hash
Never touched
I am from ice tea and porch swings
From Nana and Granny one so
Polite and the other so strong
I am from blessed are the peacemakers
And if you have something nice to share-
Do share it
From hypochondriac and dramatic schemes
And so many undefined dreams
I am from the Blue Mountains
And I too am Marching in the Light of God
I am from Pilgrims Progress and
Romans Eight
I am from those composition books
Piled in my closest
Those books full of me.
I am from Use an inside voice
And rooms full of laughter
I am from do first
Then think after
I am from love completely
And give generously
From innocent until proven
Otherwise
I am from private thoughts and
Many surface lies.
I am from those around me
From the hurts and the wrongs
But I am from those that overcome
white tights and stride rites
I am from wood fires and
Warm nights, of board games
And angry family fights.
I am from Moderate Mike
And Strict Susan
from the tension and from
The confusion
I am from the independent
Way of thought
The middle child in all my ways
I am from basketball games
And track meets, games
Never won
From breakfast of corn beef hash
Never touched
I am from ice tea and porch swings
From Nana and Granny one so
Polite and the other so strong
I am from blessed are the peacemakers
And if you have something nice to share-
Do share it
From hypochondriac and dramatic schemes
And so many undefined dreams
I am from the Blue Mountains
And I too am Marching in the Light of God
I am from Pilgrims Progress and
Romans Eight
I am from those composition books
Piled in my closest
Those books full of me.
I am from Use an inside voice
And rooms full of laughter
I am from do first
Then think after
I am from love completely
And give generously
From innocent until proven
Otherwise
I am from private thoughts and
Many surface lies.
I am from those around me
From the hurts and the wrongs
But I am from those that overcome
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)